Psychology coach

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

Sports Commentator Bloopers

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure they would like to take back:

  1. Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”
  2. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
  3. Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing – but none of them really that serious.”
  4. Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
  5. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

Language (and Other) Questions

  1. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
  2. Why is it called “rush hour” when your car barely moves?
  3. If a 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  4. If it’s a circular drive, how do you get out?
  5. How do “Don’t Walk on the Grass” signs get there?
  6. Why does sour cream have a “use by” date?
  7. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  8. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  9. If we find life on Mars, will it taste like chicken?
  10. When a bug hits your windshield, what determines the color of the spatter?
  11. If it was only a three hour tour, why did Gilligan, the Skipper and everyone else, have all that stuff?
  12. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
  13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  14. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “Quit while you’re ahead”?
  15. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  16. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  17. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
  19. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
  20. Should you ever have plastic surgery from a doctor whose office is full of portraits by Picasso?
  21. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  22. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
  23. Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire station?
  24. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Top Ten Signs of Job Burn-Out

  1. You’re so tired, you now answer the phone with just: “Hell.”
  2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!!”.
  3. Your garbage can is your “in” box.
  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
  5. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to logon.
  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
  7. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
  8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
  9. Your Day-Timer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

The Five Toughest Questions For Men

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

Here is the problem:  If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth),
every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.
As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.

#1:  What are you thinking about?

The best answer to this is:
“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:

  1. Baseball
  2. Football
  3. How fat you are
  4. How much prettier she is than you
  5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died

(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg:  “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

#2:  Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!”
If you feel a more detailed answer is in order:”Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:

  1. Yah, sure, you betcha.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said “yes”?
  3. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

#3:  Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:”Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:

  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I’ve seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#4:  Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:”Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:

  1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
  3. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.
  4. It depends on how you define pretty.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#5:  What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)
There is no good answer.
No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
usually along the these lines:

  • Woman:  Would you get married again?
  • Man:  Definitely not!
  • Woman:  Why not?  Don’t you like being married?
  • Man:  Of course I do.
  • Woman:  Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
  • Man:  Okay, I’d get married again.
  • Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
  • Man:  Yes, I would.
  • Woman:  (After a long pause)  Would you sleep with her in our bed?
  • Man:  Where else would we sleep?
  • Woman:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
  • Man:  That would seem like the proper thing to do.
  • Woman:  And would you let her use my golf clubs?
  • Man:  She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.

Corporate America Today

You know you work for corporate America today if:

  1. You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
  2. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  4. The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
  5. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  6. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  7. You learn about your layoff on CNN.
  8. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
  9. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  10. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  11. Your company gives you more room to park than to work.
  12. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.
  13. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
  14. You think lunch is the two minutes you take to swallow your baloney sandwich whole while watching the next program load.
  15. It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
  16. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  17. “Communication” is something your group is having problems with.
  18. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
  19. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
  20. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
  21. Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
  22. Art involves a white board.
  23. You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
  24. When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
  25. You work 200 hours for the $50 bonus check or the free movie ticket and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  26. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  27. Your boss’ favorite phrases are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”
  28. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
  29. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
  30. Change is the norm. (And remember, change is good!)
  31. Nepotism is encouraged.
  32. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
  33. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  34. You read this entire list and understood it ALL!!!