The Top 20 Oxymorons

Here are pairs of words that should not be said together. . .yet tend to be said more often than not.

  • Act Natural
  • Genuine Imitation
  • Good Grief
  • Same Difference
  • Almost Exactly
  • Sanitary Landfill
  • Alone Together
  • Silent Scream
  • Living Dead
  • Small Crowd
  • New Classic
  • Sweet Sorrow
  • “Now, Then”
  • Passive Aggressive
  • Taped Live
  • Clearly Misunderstood
  • Peace Force
  • Terribly Pleased
  • Pretty Ugly

. . .and the #1 Oxymoron is. . .

  • Microsoft Works

Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

“Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale”.

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Lawyer Jokes

> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> WITNESS: I forget.

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

> WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

> WITNESS: We both do.

> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> WITNESS: We do.

> ATTOR NEY: You do?

> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

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> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

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> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> WITNESS: Are you kidding’ me?

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> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting’ laid!

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> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None .

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> WITNESS: Guess.

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> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> WITNESS: Oral.

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> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

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> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

> practicing law.

Kiss Defined

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.