‘Driving in Ireland’ Stories

  • Wexford Garda Traffic cops had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many. Then they discovered the problem – a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read ‘SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The cops also found that the little guy had an accomplice who was further down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money. Very enterprising little fellows
  • A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated checkpoint on the N4. An €80 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the Gardai a photo of €80. The Garda responded with another mailed photo of a set of handcuffs. Nice sense of humor that policeman
  • A young woman was pulled over for speeding in Dublin. A Garda Traffic cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. The young lady immediately says “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Garda Traffic Department Ball?”. The Garda immediately replied, without thinking, “The Garda Traffic Department don’t have Balls…..”. There was a moment of silence, then he closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Actual Answering Machine Messages

  • "A" is for academics, "B" is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
  • Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
  • The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
  • Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
  • Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.
  • Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  • Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk! )
  • (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)
  • This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."
  • Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
  • I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  • Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP
  • (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
  • Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er…Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s, Oh, I mean, false… er…Shalt not commit a bear… Darn…
  • I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
  • (Recorded directly from AT&T:) The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
  • You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
  • (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
  • You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
  • Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Help Desk Stories

Customer: “Uhh…I need help unpacking my new PC.”
Tech Support: “What exactly is the problem?”
Customer: “I can’t open the box.”
Tech Support: “Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.”
Customer: “Uhhhh…ok, thanks….”


Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”


Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk and now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?”

Silence.

Tech Support: “Sir?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”

Customer: “Ummmm.”
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

Home Depot Scam

A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

42 phrases a lexophile would love

  • wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

Actual Bathroom Graffiti

  • A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
    (Women’s restroom – Dick’s Last Resort: Dallas, Texas)
  • At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
    (Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea: Tucson, Arizona)
  • Beauty is only a light switch away.
    (Perkins Library – Duke University: Durham, North Carolina.)
  • Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
    (Men’s restroom – Murphy’s: Champaign, IL.)
  • Express Lane: Five beers or less.
    (Sign over one of the urinals – Ed Debevic’s: Phoenix, AZ.)
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    (The Bayou: Baton Rouge, Louisiana.)
  • God is dead.           – Nietzsche
    Nietzsche is dead.  – God
    (The Tombs Restaurant: Washington, D.C.)
  • God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
    (The Irish Times: Washington, D.C.)
  • If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice.
    (Smoky Joe’s – Philadelphia, PA.)
  • If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
    (Armand’s Pizza – Washington, D.C.)
  • If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?  CONGRESS!
    (Men’s restroom – House of Representatives: Washington, D.C.)
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
    (Revolution Books: New York, New York)
  • If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
    (Men’s restroom – Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, WA.)
  • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
    (Written in the dust on the back of a bus: Wickenburg, Arizona)
  • I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
    (Houghton Library – Harvard University: Cambridge, Massachusetts.)
  • JESUS SAVES!   But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
    (Men’s restroom – American University: Washington, D.C.)
  • Make love, not war.   Hell, do both, get married!
    (Women’s restroom – The Filling Station: Bozeman, Montana)
  • No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
    (Men’s Room – Linda’s Bar and Grill: Chapel Hill, North Carolina.)
  • No wonder you always go home alone.
    (Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom – Ed Debevic’s: Beverly Hills, CA.)
  • Remember, it’s not "How high are you?" – it’s "Hi, how are you?"
    (Rest stop off Route 81, WV.)
  • The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
    (Women’s restroom – Murphy’s: Champaign, IL.)
  • To do is to be.       – Descartes
    To be is to do.       – Voltaire
    Do be do be do.     – Frank Sinatra
    (Men’s restroom – Greasewood Flats: Scottsdale, Arizona)
  • What are you looking on the wall for?  The joke’s in your hands.
    (Men’s rest room – Lynagh’s: Lexington, KY.)
  • You’re too good for him.
    (Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom – Ed Debevic’s: Beverly Hills, CA.)