Maintaining A Healthy Level of Insanity

  • At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
  • Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
  • Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
  • Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
  • Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
  • In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
  • Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
  • Don’t Use Any Punctuation
  • As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
  • Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
  • Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
  • Sing Along At The Opera.
  • Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
  • Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
  • Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.
  • Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
  • When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
  • When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
    "Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!"
  • Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Signs you’re drinking too much coffee

  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
  • You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • Cocaine is a downer.
  • You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You can’t even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.

Quotes about sex

  • “My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading.”
    Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
  • “Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.”
    Woody Allen
  • “Lord, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet.”
    St. Augustine
  • “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
    Tom Clancy
  • “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
    Steve Martin
  • “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
    Woody Allen
  • “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
    Lynn Lavner
  • “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
    George Burns
  • “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
    George Burns
  • “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
    Sharon Stone
  • “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
    Jack Nicholson
  • “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
    Robin Williams
  • “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
    Roseanne
  • “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
    Billy Crystal
  • “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
    Robert De Niro
  • “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
    Dustin Hoffman
  • “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
    Woody Allen
  • “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
    Robin Williams
  • “My family never raised me to have a vagina.”
    Roseanne
  • “An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
    Aldous Huxley
  • “Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn’t want to f*#k in the first place?”
    George Carlin
  • “Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.”
    Mark Twain
  • “One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.”
    Jane Austen
  • “Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It’s funny because I think it’s better inside.”
    Alex Walsh
  • “When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.”
    Frederike Ryder

Bad Days

  • The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
  • A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
  • In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
  • A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
  • Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
  • Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
  • Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"

Things Computers Can Do in Movies

  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  • Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
  • All monitors display inch-high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
  • You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
  • All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
  • People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
  • A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
  • You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
  • Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
  • When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
  • If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
  • Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
  • Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
  • Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
  • Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
  • Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
  • Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

Some of the Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic email Replies

  • I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  • Sorry to have missed you, But I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
  • I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  • Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  • The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
  • Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  • Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  • I’ve run away to join a different circus.
  • I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.