“My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
“Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.” Woody Allen
“Lord, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet.” St. Augustine
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” Tom Clancy
“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” Steve Martin
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” George Burns
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” Sharon Stone
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” Roseanne
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” Jerry Seinfeld
“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” Woody Allen
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams
“My family never raised me to have a vagina.” Roseanne
“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” Aldous Huxley
“Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn’t want to f*#k in the first place?” George Carlin
“Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.” Mark Twain
“One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.” Jane Austen
“Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It’s funny because I think it’s better inside.” Alex Walsh
“When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.” Frederike Ryder
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)