- I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
- If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
- I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted: Telepathy… you know where to apply.
- Hang up and drive.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
- Born again pagan.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I’ll do the rest!
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Ax me about Ebonics
- Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Boldly going nowhere
- CATS: The other white meat
- CAUTION – Driver legally blonde!
- Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
- Don’t be sexist – broads hate that
- Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
- Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
- He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
- Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
- I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi… Oooh! Donuts!
- If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
- If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now
- I’m an imbecile and I vote
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
- CAUTION: I drive just like you!
- If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
- Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
- Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
- It’s Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
- "Please Tell Your Pants It’s Not Polite To Point."
- Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
- Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
- Constipated people don’t give a crap.
- If you drink, don’t park–accidents cause people.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
- To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
- If at first you don’t succeed…blame someone else and seek counseling.
- If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
- You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
- The Earth Is Full – Go Home.
- I Have The Body Of A God……Buddha.
- This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
- So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
- The Face Is Familiar, But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name.
- I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
- Boldly going nowhere
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
- 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
- Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
