6 foot a**hole

While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket – $95.00
Court Costs – $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face – PRICELESS

Stress management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

  • Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.
  • Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
  • No one knows your secret place.
  • You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
  • The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
  • The water is crystal clear.
  • You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You’re smiling already.

Programming Quotes

"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." – Brian Kernighan

"There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses." – Bjarne Stroustrup

"Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand." – Martin Fowler

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult" – C.A.R. Hoare

"Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves." – Alan Kay

"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight" -  Bill Gates

"If you want to set off and go develop some grand new thing, you don’t need millions of dollars of capitalization. You need enough pizza and Diet Coke to stick in your refrigerator, a cheap PC to work on and the dedication to go through with it" – John Carmack

"Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute" – Abelson / Sussman

"Question: How does a large software project get to be one year late? Answer: One day at a time!" – Fred Brooks

"Nobody should start to undertake a large project. You start with a small trivial project, and you should never expect it to get large. If you do, you’ll just overdesign and generally think it is more important than it likely is at that stage. Or worse, you might be scared away by the sheer size of the work you envision. So start small, and think about the details. Don’t think about some big picture and fancy design. If it doesn’t solve some fairly immediate need, it’s almost certainly over-designed. And don’t expect people to jump in and help you. That’s not how these things work. You need to get something half-way useful first, and then others will say “hey, that almost works for me”, and they’ll get involved in the project." – Linus Torvalds

8 monkeys

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies’ policies get established.

General Motors HelpLine

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars the way they buy computers – but imagine if they did…

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

——–
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”

CUSTOMER: “I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’.”

HELPLINE: “You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.

CUSTOMER: “No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.

HELPLINE: “A ‘V’?!”

CUSTOMER: “Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed
by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …”

HELPLINE: “No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about.”

CUSTOMER: “That steering wheel thingy — Is that the round thing that honks the horn?”

HELPLINE: “Yes, among other things.”

CUSTOMER: “The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”
——–
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your cars suck!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed and now it won’t even start up!”

HELPLINE: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.”

CUSTOMER: “Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did – now the damn thing’s crashed.”

HELPLINE: “Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?”

CUSTOMER: “What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!”

HELPLINE: “Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?”

CUSTOMER: “How do you do THAT?”

HELPLINE: “You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.”

CUSTOMER: “Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.”

HELPLINE: “Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!”

——–

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose a GM because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to DRIVE?”

CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”