Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Kids

For all you who do or don’t have kids…

  • Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
  • They have more hair when they are born.
  • Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
  • Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE’S TOUCHING ME!!!!"
  • Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.
  • Dogs don’t wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
  • It doesn’t matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
  • You can cage a dog without going to jail.
  • Dogs don’t "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
  • Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won’t laugh at the special effects.
  • Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
  • It’s OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
  • The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
  • Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why.
  • Dogs don’t roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.
  • Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
  • Dogs don’t jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
  • Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
  • When Dogs don’t listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
  • Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.
  • No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
  • Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litter box. Kids won’t even dump the litter box.
  • When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don’t have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
  • Dogs don’t grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.
  • Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

What you long for…

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It’s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that’s impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let’s row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can’t take any more coconut juice."

"It’s not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned – and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. "

"You know…" She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. "You mean–?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

The Engineering Approach

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

If Women Ran the World

  • Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
  • Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
  • Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
  • Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
  • PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  • Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  • Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  • "Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  • Men who designed women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.
  • Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  • Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
  • Men would learn phrases like: I’m sorry, I love you, You’re beautiful, Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I’ll take care of the baby, etc.
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  • Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can’t pretend to be single.
  • For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
  • If Men Really Ruled The World

    (from November 1998 issue of Maxim Magazine)

    • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
    • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time" would pretty much do it.
    • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
    • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
    • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
    • "Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
    • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
    • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
    • Garbage would take itself out.
    • Instead of beer belly, you’d get "beer biceps."
    • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You’re #1!"
    • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
    • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
    • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
    • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
    • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
    • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

    … and more from other emails…

    • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
    • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
    • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
    • "Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
    • It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
    • Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
    • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
    • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
    • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
    • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
    • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

    Things Children Say

    Public Outcry
    Ever notice how a 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

    Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

    The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

    After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

    "Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

    "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

    Who caused that white hair?
    One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma’s hairs are white?"

    A Wise Little Girl
    A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I’m Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I’m not."
    Too Rough
    A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough."

    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

    Ten Commandments
    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
    Kissing on the Playground
    An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn’t easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
    That Baby in There
    For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
    Drawing God
    A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I’m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
    Bathroom Breaks
    On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
    Tithing…
    After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had."
    Saying Grace
    My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn’t know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
    Children in Church
    A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five."
    Pastor’s Kids
    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
    Parenting
    After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"
    First Things First
    "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "No!" the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was,"No!"

    "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

    A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

    Wittle Wabbits
    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

    And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

    She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice,
    "I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares."

    The Assignment

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

    Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What’s the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
    Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.