Jeepers Creepers! Pick-Up Lines That WORK!

  • Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R
  • If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.
  • Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home ith you.
  • Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
  • I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!
  • You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.
  • Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
  • I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
  • Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
  • “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
  • Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?
  • I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!
  • Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?
  • I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
  • I dont want to come between you… or do I?
  • Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
  • If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?
  • Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.
  • Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …
  • I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.
  • I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?
  • I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.
  • I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.
  • I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.
  • Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
  • Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

The Most Expensive Car Crashes Ever

#10. Bugatti EB110 – $500,000
This 1992 $500,000 super-exotic Bugatti EB110 was being driven by a mechanic as part of its annual checkup. He claims there was an oil slick on the road which caused him to lose control and crash into a pole. The owner of the Bugatti is a famous ‘feel good’ guru named Emile Ratelband. Not sure how good he was feeling after this wreck.

#9. Pagani Zonda C12 S – $650,000
Only 15 Zonda C12 S were ever built, but that didn’t stop this owner from driving it like a madhatter. He crashed this beauty in the wee morning hours while driving in Hong Kong.

#8. Mercedes Benz SL 300 – $950,000
The SL 300 ‘Gullwing’ represents the very finest of Mercedes. The owner thought it would be a good idea to race this million dollar car on the streets of Mexico, at the annual ‘La Carrera Panamericana’ race – limited to classic cars produced before 1965.

#7. Jaguar XJ220 – $1.1 Million
The XJ220 once held the record for highest top speed for a production car (217 mph).

#6. Ferrari Enzo – $1.3 Million
The most famous Ferrari Enzo crash (shown below) was at Malibu, California in 2005, when the driver, ‘Fat Steven’ Eriksson crashed the car at 196 mph.

#4. Bugatti Veyron – $1.6 Million
The Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive production car in history. Only 300 are expected to be produced, and already two have crashed. Above is the first one. The driver thought it was okay to speed at 100 mph in the rain. He only had the car for one week.

#3. 1959 Ferrari 250 GT TDF – $1.65 Million
This extremely rare classic car, the 1959 Ferrari 250 GT ‘Tour de France,’ crashed into a wall at the Shell Ferrari-Maserati Historic Challenge in 2003.

#2. Ferrari 250 GT Spyder – $10.9 Million
The record price for a 1961 250 GT California Spyder at auction was set on May 18, 2008 when a black one was sold for $10,894,900. So what is one doing buried in the sand? The unlucky owner had it stored near the beach when a Hurricane hit.

#1. Ferrari 250 GTO – $28.5 Million
The 1962-64 Ferrari 250 GTO became the most valuable car in the world. In 2008 an anonymous English buyer bought a 250 GTO at auction for a record $28.5 Million. The crash above represents a car worth more than the combined value of all 14 Enzos (see #6 above) involved in accidents. After a track event involving historic cars, the owner rammed into the back of another car after traffic slowed down.

Stuff we learned in 2009

  • Domestic pigs can quickly learn how mirrors work and use them to find food.
  • Grumpy people think more clearly because negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking.
  • High cholesterol levels in midlife are associated with an increased risk of Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia later in life.
  • Analysis of Greenland ice samples shows Europe froze solid in less than 12 months 12,800 years ago, partly due to a slowdown of the Gulf Stream. Once triggered, the cold persisted for 1,300 years.
  • One mutated gene is the reason humans have language, and chimpanzees, our closest relative, do not.
  • Obesity in teenage girls may increase their risk of later developing multiple sclerosis.
  • A fossil skeleton of an Aardonyx celestae dinosaur discovered in South Africa appears to be the missing link between the earliest dinosaurs that walked on two legs and the large plant-eating sauropods that walked on all four.
  • Women who have undergone successful breast cancer treatment are more likely to experience a recurrence if they have dense breast tissue.
  • Babies pick up their parents’ accents from the womb, and infants are born crying in their native dialect. Researchers found that French newborns cry in a rising French accent, and German babies cry with a characteristic falling inflection.
  • Surfing the Internet may help delay dementia because it creates stimulation that exercises portions of the brain.

Questions That Haunt Me

  • If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
  • Can you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered
    assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… But it’s only a ‘penny for
    your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  • Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
    in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
    good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like
    every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
    to look at things on the ground?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
    They’re going to see you naked anyway.
  • Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
    crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  • If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
    can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
    They’re both dogs!
  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he
    just buy dinner?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
    what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,
    but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
    getting dead?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is
    not enough money?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
    check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
    revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
  • If people evolved from apes,
    Why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
    always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses
    Are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
    something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
    cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
    the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  • When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
    cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it
    isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch
    where you’re going?’
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off
    the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
    we complained about the heat?
  • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  • And my FAVORITE……
    The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering
    from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends—if
    they’re okay, then it’s you.

New Year Resolutions

2006: I will find a better social site than Orkut.
2007: I will find a better social site than Myspace.
2008: I will find a better social site than Facebook.
2009: I will find a better social site than Twitter.
2010: I will find a better social site than Busty Blondes.

2006: I will not become what my mother called a ‘drinking man’.
2007: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2008: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2009: I will not become a ‘problem drinker’.
2010: I will not miss any AA meetings.

2006: I will overcome my fear of the dentist.
2007: I will see my dentist this year.
2008: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2009: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

2006: I will be the best husband ever to Brittney, my new wife.
2007: I will try to be a better husband to Brittney.
2008: I will not leave Brittney.
2009: I will try for a reconciliation with Brittney.
2010: I will try to be a better husband to Jessica.

2006: I will stop flirting with other women.
2007: I will stop looking at other women.
2008: I will not have an affair with Jessica.
2009: I will not let Jessica interrupt my reconciliation with Brittney.
2010: I will stop flirting with other women