Signs you’re getting old

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run–anywhere.
  • People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can eat supper at 4 pm.
  • You can live without sex but not your glasses.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

  • Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  • Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  • Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  • Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  • I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  • Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  • Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  • Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  • Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  • Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  • You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  • Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  • When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  • Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  • I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  • [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  • What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  • Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  • Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  • The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  • When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  • I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  • Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  • I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  • Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  • It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  • Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  • I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  • Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  • Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  • Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  • How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  • Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  • Homer no function beer well without.
  • I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  • If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  • I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  • I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  • [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay]
    Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  • All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  • Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  • But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  • I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  • Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  • That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  • Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  • If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  • I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  • ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Truths For Mature People

  • I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
  • I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
  • I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
  • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Truths For Mature People

Funny Ways to Order a Pizza

  • If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  • Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  • Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  • Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  • Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  • Give them your address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  • In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  • Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  • Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s Master of Puppets CD.
  • Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  • Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  • Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  • Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  • Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  • Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  • Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  • Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  • Change your accent every three seconds.
  • Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  • Start your order with “I’d like. . .”. A little later, slap yourself and say, “No, I don’t.”
  • If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
  • Rent a pizza.
  • Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  • Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  • Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  • Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
  • Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  • Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  • Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  • When they say, “What would you like?”–say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  • Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  • Ask to see a menu.
  • Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  • Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  • Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  • Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, “Where was I? Who are you?”
  • Ask what the pizza place’s phone number is. Hang up, and call again.
  • Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  • Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  • Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  • Start the conversation with “My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!”
  • Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  • Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  • Be vague in your order.
  • When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  • If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  • Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  • Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  • Put them on hold.
  • Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  • Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  • When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  • When you’re given the price, say, “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  • Order term life insurance.
  • When they say, “Will that be all?”–snicker and say, “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  • Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  • While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  • Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
  • Order a steamed pizza.
  • If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

Rules you won’t learn at school


Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
Rule #3. Sorry, you won’t make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Edward Cullen all weekend.
Rule #6. It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a Gen Xer.
Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the sandwich shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Selena Gomez.
Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

You’re welcome