Science exam

1. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of the color pink on science. You may draw a diagram to illustrate your answer.

2. You have been provided with a scalpel and some whiskey. Remove your liver and dissect it. After this, drink the whiskey and eat the liver.

3. Deduce the location of the edge of the universe using the compass and protractor you found in your liver.

4. By using your DNA, find the cure for cancer and submit it to the AMA in the form of a heavy metal song.

4 1/2. Determine the gravitational force between you and this test using the scalpel provided earlier. You must show your work. (no materials provided)

4a. Explain to a salmon the Theory of Unrelativity, then train it to finish this test, using only sign language and a tissue.

5. Explain the argument behind the fushestal elementum theory. Use modern pentium particle physics to help disprove this theory.

6. Use the empty whiskey bottle found on your desk and a pencil to observe an experiment where you inject Mercury into your veins. Note down your observations every 30 seconds.

7a. Explain how you can use melted ice cream and century old Gatorade to create cold fusion.

7b. Deduce and or hence otherwise find the colour of a neutron.

8. The statement “Light is an absence of darkness” is incorrect. Explain why.

9. Would you rather be a proton or an electron? Why or why not?

10. Prove the non-existence of God. Then, using only words from your argument against the existence of God, prove the existence of God. You may create a God if necessary.

11. Seduce at least 4 emo children using only a computer, myspace and a webcam.

12. Remove the lead from your pencil. Turn this lead into gold. You may use both sides of the paper if necessary.

13. Using the principle of conservation of matter, what will the karat value of the gold produced from the above project amount to? What would the value be if you were to instead use 3 mangoes and a large potato?

14. Describe the entire anatomy of a muppet in terms of ratios of fuzziness to just plain annoying sometimes.

15. Describe what DTN means to you.

1092/71sts. Calculate the circumference of space (correct to 3 significant figures) using only your left thumb and some tooth floss. Using your answer, extrapolate the number of leprachauns present in the forests of Machu Pichu.

16. Determine which of the following sub-atomic particles is most partial to binge-drinking: Up quark, electron, photon

17. Use the Scalpel, the whiskey bottle and the liver remains (see question 2) to find the effect of hamburgers on birds. Note: Bats can’t be used, nor any other reptile.

18. Determine the difference between a seagull.

19. Explain the difference between plutonium’s atomic weight and oxygens atomic weight in a 39 page essay. Use only waffles and a sweatshirt for materials. No materials provided.

20. Describe in detail what this frog is thinking without using any vowels.

21. What is the gravitational pull of Christina Ricci’s forehead?

22. Why do ducks?

23. Two subatomic particles walk into a bar. Why?

24. Re-Create the death-star using a dildo and a red pencil sharpener. Bonus points will be awarded for the inclusion of a carrot-powered laser.

25. [This question is currently unavailable, due to lack of sandwiches]

25a. *Bonus* Use the carrot-powered laser that you have to destroy 3 random spacial features (black hole, nebula, star, planet, asteroid, etc.)

26. Using only a grape and a leaf, make a three-sided rock. For bonus marks, make a two-sided rock.

27.How long can you breathe underwater? Tell us when you fail and die.

38. Explain the use of an internal combustion engine. Use a rabbit to define x, and the chair you’re sitting on to calculate the probability of rain in the next 4-5 months.

39. If a man jumps at a 500 degrees angle straight at the ground at 50 miles per millisecond, how long will a flight to London take?

45. Calculate the proximity of Alpha Centauri to Earth in 5.2 million years. Use half an Oreo as your only measurement tool. Show your working.

46. What the fuck is a chiffarobe?

Extra Credit: End world hunger.

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