Be frank with your wife

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?” “Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” “Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!”

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

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Everything that I need

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.
Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”
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