Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

Some words of wisdom by Steven Wright

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Continue reading “Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright”

An Online Test to Freak You Out

This is truly bizarre.

Follow the instructions!

NO PEEKING AHEAD!

Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them … really.

  1. Think of a number from 1 to 10.

Continue reading “An Online Test to Freak You Out”

Photoshop trolls

Here are some images that have been photoshopped at the request of people wanting to look better than they  look in their photo.

Request: “I want to look like the son of a powerful politician!”
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Request: “My friend behind me looks a little dull. Can you make him more dramatic?”
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Request: “Make me hot shi*t on the net, please!”
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Request: “I want to look more dangerous.”
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Continue reading “Photoshop trolls”

Good old times

I want to go back to old times to when:
  • Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
  • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
  • “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
  • Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
  • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
  • It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best friends.”
  • Being old referred to anyone over 20.
  • The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.
  • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
  • It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
  • It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event
  • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
  • Nobody was prettier than Mom.
  • Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
  • It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
  • Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
  • Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
  • Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
  • No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
  • “Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
  • Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
  • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
  • War was a card game.
  • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
  • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
  • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
  • Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
  • Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

Extreme Redneck-ness

You know you Are an extreme redneck when:

  1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
  3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
  5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.
  7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  9. Your junior prom offered day care.
  10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.
  11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
  17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

If all of these apply, then you’re an extreme Redneck