Attainable Affirmations

The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these “attainable affirmations,” and your work week is sure to fly by!

  1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
  2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
  4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
  5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
  7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
  8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
  9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
  10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
  14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
  17. I am at one with my duality.
  18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
  21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”
  23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
  24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute…I’ll find someone.
  27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
  31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
  32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

Windows is not a virus…or is it?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. … Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. … Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. … Okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. … Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. … Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. … It’s a bug.

Job descriptions

If you’re looking for a job in one of the below fields, this is what you’re real job descriptions are

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor.

An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein wasn’t just a smart physicist. Looks like he had some smart quotes as well:

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”

“The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.”
“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother.”

“The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.”

“When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn’t know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!”

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S RELATIVITY.”

“Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

All quotes by Albert Einstein

Top 6 Smartass Answers

SMARTASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ” Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand