Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

Some words of wisdom by Steven Wright

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Continue reading “Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright”

An Online Test to Freak You Out

This is truly bizarre.

Follow the instructions!

NO PEEKING AHEAD!

Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them … really.

  1. Think of a number from 1 to 10.

Continue reading “An Online Test to Freak You Out”

Photoshop trolls

Here are some images that have been photoshopped at the request of people wanting to look better than they  look in their photo.

Request: “I want to look like the son of a powerful politician!”
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Request: “My friend behind me looks a little dull. Can you make him more dramatic?”
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Request: “Make me hot shi*t on the net, please!”
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Request: “I want to look more dangerous.”
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Continue reading “Photoshop trolls”

Good old times

I want to go back to old times to when:
  • Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
  • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
  • “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
  • Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
  • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
  • It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best friends.”
  • Being old referred to anyone over 20.
  • The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.
  • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
  • It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
  • It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event
  • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
  • Nobody was prettier than Mom.
  • Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
  • It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
  • Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
  • Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
  • Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
  • No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
  • “Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
  • Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
  • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
  • War was a card game.
  • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
  • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
  • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
  • Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
  • Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

Things to teach your children

Things to teach your children

  • Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
  • There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one.
  • The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king. Fetch him beers.
  • In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
  • Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
  • Request the late checkout.
  • When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
  • Do not get married before you can legally drink.
  • Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
  • Do not fill up on bread.
  • When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
  • Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
  • If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
  • Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
  • You marry the girl, you marry her whole family.
  • Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
  • Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
  • Never be afraid to ask out the best-looking girl in the room.
  • Always do sober what you said you would do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
  • Do not show off. Impress.