Clickbait Headlines

I’m happy to report that the tidal wave of clickbait headlines — infuriating, manipulative teaser headlines whose writers will do anything to make you click — seems to have peaked.

For one thing, Facebook has tried to block clickbait headlines in its news feed and has had some success. For another thing, clickbait headlines seem to be moving, at last, into the public consciousness. We’re on to them. We understand them. We’re tired of them.

But that doesn’t mean that clickbait is going away. The growth of the tidal wave may be slowing, but we’re still getting drenched.

The editors who crank out these headlines are blatantly tacky and deceptive, so I take tremendous pleasure in yanking the carpet out from under their feet. Here, then, is my seventh installment of Pogue’s Clickbait Spoilers. If a headline says, “You won’t believe what happens next,” I’m going to darned well tell you, ruining the mystery.


Clickbait: It Took Him Only Four Minutes to Bring an Entire Middle School to Tears

Spoiler: This video shows a talk by former professional wrestler Marc Mero. He tells the school kids about how he used to get high and drunk but felt terrible when his mother died.

Yes, some kids are shown crying in the 4.5-minute video, but guess what? It Took Him More Than Four Minutes, Because This Video Is Only an Excerpt of His Full-Length Talk.

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Clickbait: If You Drink Warm Lemon Water Every Morning for a Year, Here’s What Will Happen

Spoiler: Nothing happens.

The article doesn’t even answer the question. It says nothing about drinking lemon water for a year. In fact, if you click on this headline, you discover a different headline. They’re using one headline as clickbait and another, less breathless one for the story itself!

That story is: “20 Reasons You Should Drink Lemon Water in the Morning.” It’s a bunch of stuff like: Lemon water is hydrating, helps digestion, fights infections, helps you lose weight, benefits your skin, blood, joints, liver, bowels, blood pressure, fetus, teeth, etc.

Sure it does.


Clickbait: I Was Blown Away When I Realized What This Image Really Was

Spoiler: An elderly man with cerebral palsy creates amazingly good art using only the symbol keys on a typewriter (it’s a video). That’s it. Are you blown away?

Me neither.

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Clickbait: Tim Cook said this word 5 times on Apple’s earnings call last night — here’s why it’s so important

Spoiler: “Switcher.” Because it means more people buying iPhones.


Clickbait: George Clooney Had the Perfect Response at Comic Con When a Fellow Actor Called Him Old

Spoiler: Beats me.

It’s video clip of a Comic Con panel, where George Clooney makes a “surprise” appearance to promote his movie Tomorrowland.

Hugh Laurie: “He’s 75 if he’s a day.”

Clooney: “It’s not lost on me that I’m spending my honeymoon at Comic Con.”

(It’s funny, but how is that a perfect response to the “old” remark?)

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Clickbait: Dad Opens His Birthday Gift and What’s Inside Is So Overwhelming, Everyone’s in Tears

Spoiler: EnChroma glasses, designed to help colorblind people.

In fact, only one person tears up in this video: the colorblind guy.

I’m hugely disdainful of the text that accompanies the video, which implies that the guy can’t see the color blue (that’s not what happens with colorblindness) and that he can’t tell if a traffic light is red or yellow (um, how about noting its place?).

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Clickbait: What Joe Biden Explains in 1 Minute Will Change Your Life Forever. Seriously.

Spoiler: Here’s another Facebook headline that leads to a different headline on the article: “Joe Biden’s 2012 Advice to Grieving Families Is All the More Poignant Now.”

Biden’s advice is this: When you lose a loved one (Biden lost his wife and son) and can’t imagine how you’ll go on, begin writing down your grief levels on each square of a calendar. “You’ll find that your down days get further and further apart. That’s when you know that you’re gonna make it.”


Clickbait: Forget the iPhone 6. Next Apple Sensation Revealed.

Spoiler: Apple Pay, apparently.

This one’s actually a clickbait ad. I see it all the time on Facebook and on the Yahoo front page.

Ordinarily, I would never click on such a stupid, clickbaity ad. I’m a tech columnist, for goodness’ sake — if Apple had a post-iPhone sensation, I’d have heard of it.

But for the sake of spoiling this clickbait, and to save you time, I went for it. I clicked.

What you get is an endless video — typed words on a screen, read aloud by a male voice — that, after 30 excruciating minutes of talking about how great Apple is and how great the Motley Fool is, turns out to be a pitch for a free annual report (regularly $99!) that’s plugging shares in an unnamed “patent-rich supply lab.”

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I want my 30 minutes back.

Intro to SEO

Everyone nowadays seems to be interested in SEO (Search Engine Optimization). On most of the interviews I went to recently I was asked… ‘Do you know SEO?’

On many occasions I ended up asking myself, Does that person know SEO? You see, the web works in a pretty simple way… There are 2 types of websites:

  1. Applications (Services): A website that provides some sort of a unique service or product (Like Facebook, Twitter, Google, MySpace, YouTube… etc).
  2. Content websites: A website that provides, Articles, Discussion Threads, and information in general (Forums, Blogs, Online Magazines… etc).
Some websites (Those who have products they want to promote or want to control the information you have about their products use a mix of both and the best example would be Microsoft.
Their websites (Or website’s they sponsor) are usually on top of the search results when you’re looking for a specific problem in one of their products… And that ladies and gentlemen is brilliant.
So the first type of websites (Apps) usually depend on the hype they’ve created to get people to know them. And their unique service to get people to comeback.
In some cases the fact that the hype never ends (as in twitter) gets people to come back.
So what does the second category do to get people to know about them?
Well… They pick a specific topic. And they create a lot of pages about that topic (In cases like forums, they depend on the users to do the writing).
If you don’t have hundreds of pages on your website, you will need some specific techniques to get people to find you. And the best way to get people to find you is appearing in their search results for the topic of your focus.

How do you do that?

We’ll these are the basic steps you need to do.
  1. You pick a keyword or a bunch of them that you want people to find with.
  2. You analyze and filter your keywords. Google AdWords to do that.
  3. Incorporate keywords into your website.
  4. Fix your website.
  5. Sometimes people actually forget to submit their websites to search engines. You can either do that yourself, or have a tool do it for you.

Details?

Pick a keyword or a bunch of them that you want people to find with.
Well, this depends on you, the editor or the person managing the website. For example in my blog I focus on Software, SEO and Entertainment (It’s my personal blog so I choose those topics).
But if you’re in printing business you might want to focus on Books, Magazines, Articles, Papers… etc.

What’s next?

Filtering those keywords.

Best way to do this is the Google AdWords keyword analyzer. for example, I tried analyzing the keyword ‘entertainment’, opened the ‘Advanced Options and Filters’ and selected United States as a target country and got this:

adwords-tool

which means, the keyword entertainment is searched for 16 million times across the world and 6 million times in the US, the competition is low. So this keyword is a good choice.

More related keywords are available below in case my website was just about entertainment, I’d be interested in those specific keywords.

Using those keywords

Now that you have your keywords, you need to put them into a good use. First of all you should select the most important ones and try placing them in the title and description of your home page.

Search engines are smart, really smart… So placing those keywords in pages with heading tags (h1, h2, h3… etc) means they’re very important to this page thus giving this page a higher rank for those keywords. Also, the more the keyword appears in your page the better. So try a page in my website titled entertainment gains a good rank for this keyword, and if the text heading had the keyword entertainment the page would gain a better rank. Next if the page had a lot of entertainment word count or entertainment related keywords, the rank will improve.

Simple, right?

Fixing your website

If you’re not a web developer or designer you’ll need help doing this. A good website with minimum html errors is a great website for search engines. You can use The W3 Validator to check your website for html errors.

You also need to make sure all your pictures and images have their ‘alt’ attribute set. This helps image search engines find your photos, which also increases the rank of your website.

One more thing is to check that your page headings use the h1 tag and that your pages have the meta description set.

You have to make sure that each page’s title is less than 70 chars and that its meta description is less than 140 characters.

What’s Next?

Make sure everything is actually working. Go to Google Webmaster Tools, add your site following Google’s instructions and wait for a couple of days.

Remember that Google has to follow up on billions of websites so it might take a while until they recheck your website. And it will take about 3 months until your website rank is changed.

After you see some activity on your Webmaster Tools account, be sure to check the “Diagnostics=>HTML suggestions” to see if any of your pages needs a fix.

What about other search engines?

Most search engines follow the same steps and checks as Google so if you work your website for Google other search engines will also index your website but keep in mind that Google is the search giant so what takes Google 2 or 3 weeks takes other search engines months.

Need more help?

You can use some service such as Attracta to help you submit your website and follow up on your site evaluation.

Installing PHP on Windows 7

PHP is one of the most common web languages out there, Windows is the most used operating system in the world… So I’ll take a wild guess and say many PHP developers use Windows, thus have to install PHP on windows to do their work or test their websites before releasing them online.

Many developers use bundles like XAMPP Or WAMP to install an Apache server, MySql server and PHP. I personally use Microsoft’s ASP.Net for web development most of the time but sometimes I do things on PHP – which is still an awesome scripting language – so I tried to cut back on the resource consumption and get PHP to work on Windows IIS Server.

That was a bit difficult on Windows XP, there were too many things you had to do to get it working. But for Windows 7… Getting PHP to work on IIS will take a couple of minutes if you had a good internet connection. So getting to those steps:

  1. Download and install Microsoft Web Platform Installer.
  2. Start the web platform installer.
  3. While waiting for it to start click on the “Start” button and type “Turn windows features on or off” without the quotes of course.
  4. After the window opens go to the “Internet Information Services ==> World Wide Web Services ==> Application Development Features” And make sure CGI is checked, then click the OK button.
  5. Go back to the Web Platform Installer, and type PHP in the search box and hit the enter button.
  6. When the search results show up, click the “Add” button next to “PHP Manager for IIS”, and press the Install button.
  7. Follow the simple dialogs until you’re done, and voilà, you have PHP running on IIS now.

Let me know how it works out for you

Rules Of The Internet

Ever been roaming around on the web and stumbled upon Rule #34 or any other rule? Will… There they are:

λ. It’ll be done when it’ll be done. No exceptions.

-1. /b/ is not your friend. No exceptions.

0. Negative numbers are a lie. No exceptions.

0.1. /b/ is pointless, you are wasting your life. /b/ will not do anything to stop me from posting this.

0.5. ATTENTION DUELLISTS! My mullet is going to give you such a spanking.

0.92. The lazah fired onto another lazah causing ultimate destruction and it resulted in the creation of an exact copy of this page called Rules of the internet 2.

0.93. The explosion from the ultimate destruction also brought back The original Rules of the internet.

0.94. We didn’t received enough donation money to buy back the rules, so we used the money we had to create the Rules of the internet 3

0.95. Then after the Rules of the internet 3 was created we had enough left over money to buy one pineapple, but just one.

0.96. 1f u c4n r34d d1s u r3477y h4v3 n0 71f3

0.97. Because rule 0.98 called Chuck Norris, it is now dead.

0.98. This rule doesn’t like you and has called Chuck Norris.

0.99. Nothing is immune to the Lazah not even the Rules of the lazah.

0.9999. When Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

0.99995. When Life gives you limes, make Orange Juice and make Life go all like WTF MANG!

0.99996. When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! NO EXCEPTIONS!

0.99999999999999999999999. AnimeFuckHead can make whatever he wants, want a bottle of unicorn tricycle joucie?

1. Do not talk about /b/.

2. Do NOT talk about /b/.

2 1/2. If anyone asks about /b/ you don’t know anything.

3. We are Anonymous.

3.14159265358979323846. … Expect us.

4. Anonymous is legion.

5. Anonymous does not forgive, Anonymous does not forget.

6. Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.

7. Anonymous is still able to deliver.

8. There are no real rules about posting.

9. There are no real rules about moderation either — enjoy your ban.

10. If you enjoy any rival sites — DON’T.

11. All your carefully picked arguments can easily be ignored.

12. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

13. Anything you say can be turned into something else. – fixed

14. Do not argue with trolls — it means that they win.

15. The harder you try, the harder you will fail.

16. If you fail in epic proportions, it may just become a winning failure.

17. Every win fails eventually.

18. Everything that can be labeled, can be hated.

19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.

20. Nothing is to be taken seriously.

20.20 Rainbow Dash is about 20% cooler than you.

21. Original content is original only for a few seconds before getting old.

22. Copy ‘n paste is made to ruin every last bit of originality.

23. Copy ‘n paste is made to ruin every last bit of originality.

24. Every repost is always a repost of a repost.

25. Relation to the original topic decreases with every single post.

26. Any topic can be turned into something totally unrelated.

27. Always question a person’s sexual preferences without any real reason.

28. Always question a person’s gender – just in case it’s really a man.

28.5 If it TRULY is a girl, then this is an INCEPTION!!! Only way out is to die, so look at Chuck Norris the wrong way.

29. On the internet, all girls are men, and all kids are undercover FBI agents.

30. There are NO girls on the internet.

30.5 Vagina’s are penis’s in a girl’s body. No Exceptions.

31. TITS or GTFO – the choice is yours.

32. You must have pictures to prove your statements.

32.5 All your pictures were obviously photoshopped. No Exceptions.

32.6 I can tell from some of the pixels and from having seen a lot of shops in my day. /oldfag

33. When in doubt, it’s a man. (Also see Rule 30)

33.5 Lurk moar — it’s never enough.

34. There is porn of it, no exceptions.

34.5. There is dubstep of it, no exceptions.

34.99. There is a mario paint composer version of it.

35. If no porn is found of it, it will be made.

35.5. If no dubstep is found of it, it will be made.

35.99. If no mario paint composer version is found of it, it will be made.

35.51. If nobody makes it, /b/ will.

36. There will always be more fucked up shit than what you just saw. NO FUCKING EXCEPTIONS.

37. You can not divide by zero (just because the calculator says so).

37.5. Dividing by zero is equal to multiplying by infinite.

38. No real limits of any kind apply here — not even the sky

39. CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.

40. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.

41. Needs moar Desu nyan. No exceptions.

42. Is the answer to life the universe and everything. NO EXCEPTIONS.

42.5. Nothing is Sacred.

43. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.

44. Trying to edit the rules of the Internet with Japanese characters is like trying to make “2 girls, 1 cup” acceptable in society. It only works at A-con.

45. When one sees a lion, one must get into the car

46. There is furry porn of it. No exceptions.

47. The pool is always closed due to AIDS (and stingrays, which also have AIDS).

47.5. YOU DUN GOOF’D!

47.6. THE CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

48. A cat is fine too. (See rule 41)

49. One cat leads to another.

50. Another cat leads to Zippo Cat.

51. No matter what it is, it is somebody’s fetish. No exceptions.

52. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.

53. It is delicious trap. You must hit it.

53.5. The trap broke the lazah.

54. /b/ sucks today.

54.5. So does America.

54.6. AFH gets sucked every day!

55. If you have time to make up new rules, you have no life.

55.1. If you have no life, you do not exist. Therefore, your rule does not exist if you do not exist. No exceptions.

55.2. The rules were created by people who do not exist, so the rules do not exist. No Exceptions.

55.3. Although the rules do not exist, logic exists. The rules = logic. Therefore the rules do exist. No Exceptions.

55.31. Since the rules exist by logic, then the rules have always existed. No Exceptions.

55.32 So the creation of your rule is only a repost of science. (See rule 24)

55.5. If Rule 55 applies to you, then /b/ welcomes you.

56. They will not bring back Snacks.

57. You will never have sex.

57.5. I just had sex and it felt so good. (See rule 82)

58. Desu isn’t funny. Seriously guys. It’s worse than Chuck Norris jokes

59. Fuck Gaston.

60. Chuck Norris is the exception to Rule #63, no exceptions or else.

61. If you post a picture of a cat on the internet, people will make it a LOLcat. Not one fucking exception.

62. It has been cracked and pirated. No exceptions.

63. There is always porn of a female version of a male. No Exceptions.

64. Don’t copy that floppy

65. Anonymous is not your personal army.

66. The cake is a lie.

66.5. Unless you are GLaDOS.

66.6. maybe GLaDOS is a lie, you’ll never know

66.6. even if GLaDOS is a lie AFH is still truth. refer to rule 334.2.

67. Anonymous does not “buy”, he downloads.

68. Milhouse will never be a meme. Ever. No matter what your post ends with. No exceptions. Ever. No.

69. LOL SIXTY NINE AMIRITE?

69.5. If your question ends with “AMIRITE?”, the answer will never be yes.

70. Do not talk about the 100M GET failure.

71. The internet is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.

72. Darth Vader is your father. No exceptions.

73. If there isn’t enough just ask for Moar.

74. If you post it, they will cum.

75. Rule 75 is a lie. OH SHI-

76. Twinkies are the answers to life’s problems.

77. The internet makes you stupid.

78. It will always need moar sauce.

79. Ceilingcat IS watching you masturbate

80. Interwebz177 did it. No exceptions.

81. Anonymous is a virgin by default.

82. Nobody tells the truth on the Internet

83. Only clusterfucks start Edit Wars!

83.5. Only fusterclucks edit Star Wars.

83.6. AFH is already a clusterfuck and fustercluck, so it doesn’t even matter. no exceptions.

83.6. Han shot first

84. All rules ARE true, including this one.

85. Retarded rules are forbidden.

86. The term “sage” does not refer to the spice.

87. If you get pepperoni ever again, I swear I’ll blow this joint sky-high!

87.5. Sorry, all I got were shrooms, but we can still get high right?

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88. Anonymous rules the internet. No exceptions.

89. Bruce Lee was a hero to us all.

90. It’s never lupus.

91. There is gay porn of it, no exceptions.

92. Chuck Norris is the exception to rule 91. No exceptions.

93. Go Fuck Yourself.

94. Fagicorn deleted rule 93. Crap to him. Then it came back. Now it’s gone. Then Rule 93 said, what it says + rule 2029. And so it’s back again.

95. Anonymous did NOT, under any circumstances, tk him 2da bar|?

96. If you express astonishment at someone’s claim, it is most likely just a clever ruse.

97. The government, The CIA, Everything is a lie.

98. Turbo broke this rule by getting Captain Spruce (a girl) to respond to a request for rule 32 to be enforced, thereby changing the universe forever and revealing that at least one girl does exist somewhere on the Internet. However, this subject is still wrapped up in heavy debate and widely disputed by scientists in The CIA and the government (see rule 97). Regardless, turbo won, thereby negating ganzgoober’s ability to always win. No exceptions.

99. All numbers are at least 100 but always OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND.

100. Faggotry will not be tolerated.

101. You are never THE BEST at anything, deal with it.

102. You are made of fail and AIDS.

103. That’s no such thing as safe sex

104. The internet is for porn.

105. Rule 71 is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.

106. Rule 109 is true.

107. “That’s what she said” jokes are stupid. No Exceptions

108. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!

109. Rule 106 is false.

109.5 Rules that make your head hurt are retarded NO EXEPTIONS

110. If your statement is preceded by “HAY GUYZ”, then you’re doing something wrong.

111. If you cannot understand it, it is machine code.

1234567890. Hi I’m stupid. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

112. What you click isn’t always what you get.

113. Gamestop does NOT have Battletoads (or N64 games). But ask anyway.

114. Secure tripcodes are for fags.

115. If someone herd u liek Mudkipz, deny it constantly for the lulz.

115.5. I herd you liek Mudkipz. No exceptions.

116. Combo breakers are inevitable. If the combo is completed successfully, it is gay.

117. Always go out of your way to make newbies feel uncomfortable.

118. Newfags must be tortured to death. No exceptions.

119. Only newfags like caturday, Bruce Lee, and Desu. Those who like any of those refer to rule 93.

120. Nobody likes you.

121. Co$ is the sworn enemy of Anonymous. It must be stopped.

121.5. Bunnies14 is the sworn enemy of AFHfuckface. It can’t be stopped.

122. There is NO God (Except Chuck Norris and AFH).

122.5. There is NO God (Except Chuck Norris and Haruhi Suzumiya)

123. 456789

124. When Anonymous is surprised, bricks must be shat.

125. If you have no bricks to shit, you are made of fail and AIDS.

126. shaMTV must give Rick his award. No exceptions.

127. No NewFaggots aloud.

128. Everything you know is a lie, but all those lies are nothing. So by using the transitive property we can conclude that everything = nothing and if you add an integer (x) into the equation we can single anything out and turn it into a certain amount of nothing explained by this graph e = everything n = nothing

  |
  |
  |
  |                             _
  |                            / \
  |                      _____/   \
  |                     /          \
e |                    /            \
  |             ______/              \
  |            /                      \
  |           /                        \
  |   _______/                          \
  |  /                                   \
  | /                                     \
  |/                                       \
  |_________________________________________\______________________

                         n

As you can see, at a certain point of everything, nothing cannot exist. So in conclusion, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

129. BOTS will be dismantled.

130. Internet = Very Scary

131. Whatever it is, pie is involved in some form. No exceptions.

132. If it can’t be killed, it doesn’t exist. (Except Chuck Norris And AFH) No other exceptions.

133. If you met your girlfriend/boyfriend online then you are dating a one armed lady hooker named Steve.(Unless there is webcam involved, then his name is John.)

133.5. If you edit rule 133 AFHfuckface will tentacle rape you. no exceptions.

133.141592654. AFHfuckface owns all chainsaws, for a list of rules go here. [3]

134. If it talks, you must shut it up.

135. Myspace is for thirteen year old girls and people who fit the description of Rule # 133.

136. _uck _ou_self solve it.

137. Tuck yourself in. Is the answer.

138. Rule 139 does/will not exist.

139. Rule 138 is true.

140. XKCD can explain everything. explain it or it goes.

141. Godmodding is retarded. Seriously just accept your death.

142. Just ignore him he will think you’re afk.

143. If you ignore her, she will bitch.

144. People can’t understand sarcasm.

145. If you take it seriously gtfo.

146. Stop giving the mic a blowjob.

147. Regardless, if you get pissed on teamspeak there is someone that has muted themselves just so they can laugh at you.

148. You don’t get any cookies. No exceptions. So don’t even ask.

149. Brandon is God’s son, making him Jesus. Chuck Norris has no son.

150. You are not going to get a handicap so don’t even ask. They will just target you.

151. You will not get a free Xbox 360/Playstation 3/iPhone so don’t even get your hopes up.

152. They didn’t call you retarded but they were thinking it.

153. It’s funny to pick on people’s grammar no matter how good it is. No exceptions.

154. The louder you scream at people the harder someone else will laugh.

154.5. In addition, my dick gets harder too

155. They don’t have hacks, you just suck really bad.

156. If you want to know who anonymous is then GTFO!

157. Someone already did it better. No exceptions.

158. It was in an episode of South Park. No exceptions.

159. The more you deny something the more they are going to say that you are “something”.

160. Google ftw. No exceptions.

160.5. Lmgtfy ftw. No exceptions.

161. The guy next to you in the library is always looking at what you are saying.

162. The girl next to you in the library couldn’t give a shit.

163. There’s a reason- you know what? Fuck it. If you can’t figure it out, you seriously need to LURK MOAR.

164. Refer to step 2 on Rule #165.

165. Refer to step 3 on Rule #93.

166. People who get depressed on the internet need a better use of time.

167. Twinkies are the answers to life’s problems. No exceptions.

168. If you pretend that you are drunk people will just think you’re retarded because no one can act drunk on the internet.

169?. Nah I’ll have 2 69s.

170. None of us is as cruel as all of us.

171. At any given moment, more birds could join, leave, or peel off in another direction entirely.

172. Use inside jokes moar. It upsets users.

173. STFU! Before i go chris brown on you!

174. Only 4chan’rs unsuspecting victims hate Rick Astley.

175. The talk page is for spam. Don’t go there.

176. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks children with the last name of Edgerton.

177. Tropicana tastes like the rainbow. No exceptions.

177.2. The rainbow is made out of skittles

177.5. Too bad nyan cat shit the rainbow.

        .,__,.........,__,....... ______
        `·.,¸,.·*¯`·.,¸,.·*¯..|::::::/\:_|/\
        `·.,¸,.·*¯`·.,¸,.·*¯<|::::::( o   o)
       ....--"""''''''u'''u

177.7. NYAN CAT SHITS SHITTLES

178. Shadow sticks are fun to play with in the dark. Unless there are more than 3.

179. Refer to all unwritten rules. No exceptions.

401. This rule forgot its spot.

180. For every life the internet improves it destroys 10 others.

181. Anything that’s good is a virus.

182. We better start helping the earth, otherwise Al Gore will take back the internets!!! NO MORE BROADBAND! NO DIALUP!

182.696969 Broadband and Dialup is the worst possible this in the universe that can happen to you. Only one exception, you piss off Chuck Norris.

183. If i have 3 cakes and you have one cake, only here you have no cake and I have 3 ps3’s.

184. The only potty training videos allowed are ones that feature tigers and are japanese in nature (english subtitles are acceptable)

185. The Internet and Golf are quite similar they both were invented for men to get away from woman, except the internet has porn.

186. Newfags must be shot in the balls on site. No exceptions

187. No matter how hard you try, you will never be as cool as ninjas playing guitars.

188. If none of these rules are followed/obliged to then Bruce Lee will donkey punch you to Uranus.

189. Bukkake is not cool. Never was. Never will be. EVER!!

189.5. This has been proven false

190. The only good hentai is yuri, that’s how the internet works.

191. You will always forget to add an attachment to your e-mails.

192. If you break rule 1 and 2. You will be rickroll’d in hell.

193. If you break rule 188. You will be spanked by Barack Obama.

194. If you break rule 2, Barack Obama will tickle your pubes.

195. People called Fred are just Fail. No Exceptions.

196. People named Carter are just win. No Exceptions.

197. People named Matty are just sexy. No Exceptions.

197.2. People named AFH are not mentally disturbed. No and I mean no exceptions.

197.5. If his Initials are AFH, he is god of teh internetz. No and I mean no Exceptions.

198. If it’s not on Google, It does not exist. No Exceptions.

199. If it’s not on Google, then you’re searching with the wrong criteria, no exceptions

200. Pictures or it didn’t happen.

201. Maths in failing:

Win + Fail = Epicfail Fail + Fail = Win Win + Win = Fail Epicfail + Epicfail = Chuck Norris

202. Facebook is a bunch of fags. No exceptions.

203. If you run out of cookies, give apples, If you run out of apples, Give Spam. No exceptions.

204. NEVER EVER shoot anybody in the balls. No exceptions.

205. All Americans are fat. No exceptions.

206. Any breaking of pi will result in pi being broken. No one knows the consequences. You have been warned.

207. Rules 1 and 2 are false. From now on, all rules must be about /b/. Unless they aren’t.

208. Rules 1, 2 and 206 are true.

209. See rule 208.

210. See rule 209.

211. srt8 must not marry MITB. No exceptions.

212. 4chan is funny. No exceptions.

213. Your mother is behind you. No exceptions unless she isn’t.

214. In case of an emergency, your emergency exit can be found in the top right corner of your screen. No, and i promise you, NO exceptions.

214.1. Except on a Mac. It’s on the left.

214.2. Press Alt+F4 for an epic thing to happen.

214.3. Except on a Mac, Press Command+Q for an epic thing to happen.

215. Rule 213 is false. Do not press that button.

215.5. Rule 215 is false. Click that button or you shall die.

216. 3, is the magic number…. 3, is the magic number…. NO EXCEPTIONS!

216.1. 42

216.2. 3 is the short version of π (Also see rule 328)

216.3. Fibonacci.

217. Creator of /b/ is mentally Disturbed. No exceptions.

217.5. /b/ will only be referred to as /b/ outside of /b/. Please refer to rules 1 and 2. No exceptions.

218. Layne is the only exception to rule 234-a. NO EXCEPTIONS

219. Google is not a calculator

220. Longcat is LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. No exceptions.

221. RETARDED NEWFAGS, should always be shot without warning NO EXCEPTIONS!

222. The game ended, wait a while before we start the next wave.

222.1. V3A3X can’t loose the game. NO MATTER WHAT!

223. Only faggots add rules that don’t go along with rule 93 no exceptions.

224. All rules below the second “PROFIT!” don’t count. No Exceptions.

224.5. All rules below the third “PROFIT!” count. No Exceptions.

225. The Simpsons already did it. South Park already did it better. NO EXCEPTIONS

226. If a statement may be taken sexually in any way, then she already said it. No exceptions.

227. Creed is the worst band in the world. No exceptions

227.5. None of these rules apply to this wiki. No exceptions.

227.6. Except the ones about newfags editing the rules

228. AFHfuckface rules the internet, he also has an army of sex slaves whom he rapes every saturday night. To explain this it’ll be shown in this graph where S = The amount of slaves he has and R = The number of slaves he has raped.

   _______________________________________________________________
  |                     /
  |                    /
  |                 /\/
  |                /
  |               /
  |              /
  |             /
  |            /
  |           /
  |          /
S |         /
  |      /\/
  |     /
  |    /
  |   /
  |  /
  | /
  |/
  |________________________________________________________________

                         R

If your wondering why it goes down in the middle of the graph it’s because he kicked a slave out.

229. You never see the porn first, even if you made or drew it. No exceptions.

230. Hentai is you friend. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS.

230.5. Except Yaoi… ESPECIALLY NOT YAOI! YAOI IS YOU WORST NIGHTMARE!. NO OTHER EXCEPTIONS

230.6. go watch boko no pico.. faggot

231. The number of friends you have on Facebook does not indicate the number of friends you have in real life. No exceptions.

232. You cannot control the person in charge. No exceptions.

233. The person in charge only wants to make your life miserable. No exceptions.

233.5. AFHfuckface is the person in charge… FUCKFACE!!!

234. Rule 186 is the only exception to rule 204

234.5. AFHfuckface always wins, Even when he fails, he wins. NO EXCEPTIONS.

234.6. If any one that is of the female verity says They always win to him, they must date him. NO EXCEPTION

235. PROFIT!₁

237. P30P13 WH0 U53 1337 5P34K 4R3 N07 1337.

238. Every night when you are sleeping, Interwebz177 gives you pills that give you a boner then he sucks you dry.

239. That naked picture you took while drunk has never been removed from the internet, and will remain on a 50yr old man’s hard drive for as long as he lives.

240. Rule 205 is false, Germans are the fattest.

241. Everything fun on the internet is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

242. This is the internet, honesty is not an option. NO EXCEPTIONS!

243. Everybody lies on the Internet. Rule 242 is a lie too. No exceptions.

244. Fluttershy is always cute no matter what the context is. I mean…er…if that is okay with you… (Old rule 244 repealed by The Council moved to 287)

250. Additional Pylons are required. Always.

251. Living in New Jersey is not wrong. Being proud of it is.

252. Anything goes with Numa Numa. ANYTHING.

253. Licking a cat does not mean you licked a vagina. No exceptions

254. Autocorrect is always correct. No Exceptions

255. Anonymous is an Internet Hate Machine. Wikipedia said so.

255.5. Wikipedia is never wrong. Your teachers were.

256. Anything with a sparta remix is automatically awesome. NO EXCEPTIONS! LOL 256 AMIRITE

269. Yeah, finally…2 69’s!

270. This is blasphemy, this is madness. No exceptions

271. 270 is a lie. This is sparta. No exceptions.

272. This is the end of the world, no exceptions.

276. The lazah also destroyed rule 305.

277. Newfags will rape you so hard that Micheal Jackson will feel it in hell. No exceptions.

282. the rules on 313 were watching the lazah as well, and have wandered off blinded refer to rule 313 for more details.

283. Rule 278, 279, 280, and 281 tried to defeat the lazah, but got dazed with radiation and now can only see Ninja Unicorns, no exceptions.

284. What has been seen cannot be unseen. Even the post clearance that’s coming up.

285. Jaba is a fish. No exeptions.

286. Creepers must do the creeper at all times or they will blow up. No exeptions.

287. (Formerly 244) Nothing will ever, in the history of the world, damage music more than Rebecca Black did.

288. Cookies are delicious, but don’t accept cookies from hackers.

300. THIS IS SPARTAAAA! no exceptions.

301. Gordon Freeman saved the world. Obey him as your savior.

302. The butler did it. no exceptions.

303. If for some reason it appears the butler did not do it, refer to rule 302.

304. Rule 302 is always correct.

305. Everybody hates Justin Bieber. no exceptions

314. The day that pi finally ends is the day that the world will end. No exceptions.

315. Internet Rapists are out to get you. No Exceptions.

316. Your parents know where you keep your porn, keeping it on a flash drive doesn’t help. no exceptions

317. Anonymous is not sorry.

318. Standing safely behind Rule 319.

320. If your wondering where Rule 319 went, The Lazar (274) sent off too much radiation and it landed right above me. No exceptions.

321. Rule 183 is a lie; The cake is also true.

322. Rule 321 is a lie; The cake is a pie.

323. Rule 322 is true, although Chuck Norris already ate the cake.

323.1. Rule 323 is not true when Rule 322 applies.

323.2. Refer to rule 84.

325. If you download but don’t seed, Bruce Lee will rip your scrotum off. Ne exceptions.

326. There IS a torrent for it… you just aren’t looking hard enough… Unless there isn’t. No exceptions.

327. Kill it with fire!

328. There is an exception to all exceptions. No exceptions.

329. I killed your mother.

330. Just kidding, I did fuck her though

330.5. LOL did i mention she likes oral?

331. G.I.R.L = Guy In Real Life… No exceptions.

333. Lazah killed rule 332.

333.5. A lazah couldn’t kill rule 332, please refer to rule 93 for more details.

334. Your SPOON WILL ALWAYS BE TOO BIG.

334.1. The Truth is …there is no Spoon.

334.2. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!1!

335. Dungeons and Dragons is serious bloody business, NO EXCEPTIONS, no exceptions.

335.5. Chuck Norris doesn’t play Dungeons and Dragons, he lives it.

335.69. Hentai is serious bloody business, NO EXCEPTIONS, no exceptions.

336. There is not enough facepalms for this, introduced; The Facedesk. NO Exceptions.

337. Girls Can’t Drive….Even on Video Games No Exceptions.

338. Big Brother is Always Watching You 0_o, including weegee and anonymous. no exceptions.

339. Except when he’s not.

340. Admins always suck more then Mods. No Exceptions.

340.5. Mods can’t spell. Admins can’t use grammar. Anon rules.

341. Lobbywhores always get banned for Stupidity.

342. Two’s company, three’s a crowd.

343. Anonymous will update the rules every sunday night, no exceptions.

344. Anonymous keeps a copy of the unedited rules on his hard drive, along with all of your porn.

345. Perl will NEVER be the best language, no exceptions

346. Attempting to post anything on the internet which defines the rules of the internet will result in an UserIsAnNoobException.

347. Some rules just dont make sense… follow them anyways. No exceptions.

348. You and me could write a rad bromance.

349. What’s on the internet stays on the internet, No exceptions.

350. Don’t be fooled, it was the Loch Ness monster.

351. Any instance of randomness purely for the sake of humor was only funny the first time it was used in any given moment. No exceptions.

352. If you feel strongly about it, no one cares.

353. No matter how many people hate Call of Duty, the next one will always outsell Battlefield.

360. If you prefer one gaming console over another, fanboys will attack you. No exceptions.

361. If everyone loves it, someone hates it.

362. If the Youtube video sparks debate, the commenter is never a marine/pilot/veteran/victim/multi-millionaire/relative of the uploader/relative of anyone in the video.

369. More than 2 69s is unacceptable. No exceptions.

376. catch (IOException e) {System.out.print(“YOU SUCK”);}

377. Newfags can’t use Java.

380.
Tactical nuke, incoming!!!

 

400. Whatcha talkin bout Willis!?

402. Oyu vaeh dlesaxai.

403. Sub Rules are forbidden.

404. This rule was not found.

404.5. Rule 404 was found again. Surrender all your cookies.

405. Rule 404 WAS found, but then was lost.

406. Namefags are fags, no exceptions.

407. The trolls will NEVER be gone. No exceptions.

408. Today is Friday. There are 6 exceptions.

409. Today is Caturday. There are no exceptions.

410. Never correct a bro who is trying to help you. No exceptions.

411. Soo… whatcha doin?

413. The world will end by Meteor Storm.

416. I CAN GET NO… SATISFACTION!

417. This rule could not live up to it’s expectations.

419. Got a minute?

420. me smokum peace pipe

421. ERROR 232

422. Tau is twice as badass as Pi

423. Snitches are entitled to stitches.

424. You’ve never heard them. Trust me!

425. Awesome face will always be awesome. no exceptions

426. F*ck yo couch!

427. Do it for the lulz.

428. Is it can be hugs tiem now plees?

429. If the sequel was not planned when the original movie was made, it will be worse than the original. No exceptions.

429.5. If the first movie sucked, the sequel sucks worse. No exceptions.

430. This is what your text will look like. Neat, huh?

440. This number belongs to the world champion of magic the gathering 724 333 6302

441. The internetz is powered by pineapples¡!¡!

442. Nyan cat rocks. No exceptions.

443. rules that end with no exceptions are just conforming to the norm and have no real imagination and shlould gtfo this site. no exeptions

500. UNHANDLED EXCEPTION:- Cannot retrieve rule 500.

537. If you see a High School Musical remake of Twilight with Rebbecca Black and Justin Bieber, it is officially the end of the world. GO JUMP OFF YOU FUCKING WINDOW RIGHT NOW OR YOU SHALL CORRUPT SOCIETY FOR ALL ETERNITY BECAUSE RULE 34 WILL NO LONGER EXIST. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!

540. Anon44 is a giant pervert.

590. Anyone who announces they like Justin Beiber WILL BE SHUNNED (And probably abused)! NO EXCEPTIONS!

e621. This number must always be preceded by the letter e.

621. This is the real Rule 621, no exceptions.

666. Idle hands are Anonymous’ playthings. No exceptions.

696. Anonymous is ALWAYS watching you. Even when you Masturbate …ESPECIALLY when you Masturbate. No Exceptions.

777. Its obviously Chuck Norris. No Exceptions.

867. Jenny is not home, she will never be home. No Exceptions.

868. Thats because shes at my house.

869. Making a Chuck Norris joke instantly turns you into a newfag. No exceptions.

870. Copy ‘n paste is made to ruin every last bit of originality.

871. Every repost is a repost of a repost

894. Saying AFHfuckface is not funny is like saying your mom is not fat. People won’t argue with you, but everyone knows you are lieing/dumbfuck

911. 9/11 was always never always never MAYBE an inside job.

999. ˙suoıʇdǝɔxǝ ou ˙ןıɐɟ noʎ ‘sıɥʇ puɐʇsɹǝpun ʇ,uop ןןıʇs noʎ ʇǝʎ pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ dıןɟ oʇ ǝɯıʇ ǝɥʇ ʞooʇ noʎ ɟı

1000. ıɟ ʎon ɹǝɐp ʇɥǝ ɹnlǝ qǝloʍ’ ʇɥǝu ʎon ɹǝɐp ʇɥıs ouǝ ɐup uoʇıɔǝp ıʇ ʍɐs ndsıpǝpoʍu ɐup qɐɔʞʍɐɹps’ so ʇɥǝu ʎon ƃɹɐqqǝp ɐ ɯıɹɹoɹ ɐup ʍǝuʇ ʇɥɹonƃɥ ɐll ʇɥıs ʇɹonqlǝ ɾnsʇ ʇo ɹǝɐp ʇɥıs ʇǝxʇ’ ʇɥǝu ʎon ɥɐʌǝ uo lıɟǝ˙

1001. There are too many fucking rules 1000.0005.

          TTTTTT
            TT
            TT
            TT
            TT
           H  H
           H  H
           HHHH
           H  H
           H  H
           IIII
            II
            II
            II
           IIII
            SSS
           S
            SSS
               S
           SSSS

 

 

           RRRR
           R   R
           RRRR
           R R
           R  RR
           U   U
           U   U
           U   U
           U   U
            UUU
           L
           L
           L
           L
           LLLL
           EEEE
           E
           EEE
           E
           EEEE

 

 

           TTTTTT
             TT
             TT
             TT
             TT
             AA
            A  A
            AAAA
            A  A
            A  A
            K  K
            K K
            KK
            K K
            K  K
            EEEE
            E
            EEE
            E
            EEEE
             SSS
            S
             SSS
                S
            SSSS

 

 

            U   U
            U   U
            U   U
            U   U
             UUU
            PPPP
            P   P
            PPPP
            P
            P

 

 

             AA
            A  A
            AAAA
            A  A
            A  A
            L
            L
            L
            L
            LLLL
             OOO
            O   O
            O   O
            O   O
             OOO
           TTTTTT
             TT
             TT
             TT
             TT

 

 

             OOO
            O   O
            O   O
            O   O
             OOO
            FFFF
            F
            FFF
            F
            F

 

 

             SSS
            S
             SSS
                S
            SSSS
            PPPP
            P   P
            PPPP
            P
            P
             AA
            A  A
            AAAA
            A  A
            A  A
             CCC
            C
            C
            C
             CCC
            EEEE
            E
            EEE
            E
            EEEE

 

1000.00063. You like Minecraft. If you don’t, you will once you actually play it.

1000.00064. Until you actually play it. Then you realise that your even more of a fag than someone with the name Chris.

1000.00065. Any variation of the name Chris, including Christopher, Christian, Kris, Keris, or Faggot.

1000.00069. People with the name Bob are gay too.

1001. Amount of uses for duct tape for now. moar are being discovered!

˙1006 Your scouter is upside down. No exceptions. (See Rule 9001.)

1337. The last thing this should be is a rule. You failed by looking at this, newfag.

1338. This person tried to be 1337, but he failed epicly.

1775. This rule is the same as the date the US Deceleration of Independence was singed, no exceptions.

1913. Any person who refers to oneself as a Terror must be punched . . . repeatedly

2000. Y2K happened. One nuclear device failed. The only man to become a victim of radiation and mutation was turned into a hermaphrodite and named “Lady Gaga”.

2001. Oh My God… ★ It’s full of stars!

2012. Science doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist, only Chuck Norris exists.

2013. Rule 2012 is a lie. So are the Mayans.

2014. Science just proved that the Mayans couldn’t find a bigger rock.

2020. Marble Hornets, Tribe Twelve, EverymanHYBRID, AMPProductionsStudio, TJAProjects, and all other youtube series about Creepy Pasta are real. Probably. No Exceptions.

2029. I’ll be back.

2552. Remember Reach, no exceptions.

9000. You must be mathematically greater than 9000 to be over 9000.

9001. It’s over 9000!!! No exceptions.

9002. It’s still over 9000, and always will be!

9004. If you’re wondering where 9003 went, refer to rule 405, but think of “rule 9003” instead of “rule 404”.

8454930048. There is a secret about this misplaced rule. No exceptions.

9999. Jim did it! no exceptions.

9999.1. If Jim did it, it was actually Laurenz! No exceptions.

43645. That’s Numberwang. No exceptions.

324468. Texting this rule number spells faggot. Only ABC is exempt.

324468. Only faggots text in ABC.

3756548. Your life depends on this.

3756550. You’re floccinaucinihilipilification.

3799999. Rule #3756550 was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

3800000. Rule #3799999 contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

3800001. I have Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

4000000. All rules with long words are Honorificabilitudinitatibus.

528491. Don’t miss the kick. Going deeper may trap you in limbo forever. You have been warned.

6666666. All infractions are excused, NO EXCEPTIONS

8675309. Jenny will not return your calls, nor will any other girl. No exceptions.

241543903. It’s so… cold.

241543904. All rules after this line either use letters or special characters as rule numbers, or a single digit. no exceptions.

9999999999. numbers are annoying. no exceptions

Source

4 Killer SEO Tools and How to Use Them

After the fun parts of designing a website, comes the often painstaking process of optimizing it for Search Engines. The good news is aside from the proliferation of information on how to do that, there are actually a number of tools that can make it infinitely easier. Here are 4 SEO tools that can help anyone with the finer points of on-site SEO.
SEO Workers – Analysis Tool
Even though this tool only works on a page by page basis, it gives you a ton of information on any single page. This tool looks at important on page factors like:

  • HTTP Headers
  • Meta tags
  • Keyword Relevancy
  • URLs on the page
  • Keywords in anchor tags
  • Keywords in image ‘alt’ attributes
  • Heading & Phrase Elements

These are all important elements to analyze of course because everything from Title tag relevance to the anchor text on internal links can contribute to successful on-page SEO. One of the best parts of this tool is also the many instructional videos it provides discussing best practices and search engine policies on all of these many aspects of a web site. Use this tool to make sure that your keyword phrases exist in all of the important places. This is a useful tool particularly after a website is designed to take a snap shot of the finished product to insure that each page is set up properly.
Xenu Link Sleuth
This is an awesome tool, which needs to be downloaded but is well worth it. The Link Sleuth essentially crawls a website and returns a report showing all broken links on a site. Broken links are detrimental from an SEO perspective because they are dead ends. So cleaning up errors on your site or retracting outbound links to 404 pages should always be a regular part of maintenance.
This tool also gives a great overview of internal links for link architecture analysis. Prominent and important pages should be kept closer to the home page, and Link sleuth can help you find any pages which may be buried deeper than they should be.
Web Page Speed Report
One of the newer subjects being discussed in the SEO world is the impact of loading speed on SEO. Patents filed by multiple Search Engines suggest load times will have a role to play if they are not being factored in already. That’s why this tool is such a helpful little gem. Since speed can affect your over all quality score, it’s important to make sure that all pages are loading at their maximum possible speed. This tool allows you to see object size totals and approximate loading times for various page elements. The report also provides detailed recommendations on how load speeds can be improved making it a very educational tool.
Title Tag Generators – SEO Book

Title Tags are generally renowned as the one of, if not the most important on-page factor when it comes to what you will rank for. That’s why it’s so important to set up your title tags well. While these tools may not help you too much in the way of keyword research, they will help you create all of your necessary Meta data. The informative and educational tips and tutorials provided by SEO Book are also great help for people who are new to SEO or good reminders for anyone.
Conclusion
Tools cannot replace human intelligence when it comes to implementing quality SEO strategies, but for designers and SEOs, these tools can be invaluable in making sure that the most vital aspects of on-page are on target.