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Lawyer Jokes

> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> WITNESS: I forget.

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

> WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> WITNESS: My name is Susan!


> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

> WITNESS: We both do.

> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> WITNESS: We do.

> ATTOR NEY: You do?

> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo


> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.


> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> WITNESS: Are you kidding’ me?


> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting’ laid!


> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None .

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> WITNESS: Guess.


> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> WITNESS: Oral.


> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?


> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

> practicing law.