Actual quotes from Federal employee-performance evaluations

  • "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
  • "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  • "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  • "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be."
  • "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  • "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
  • "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  • "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  • "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  • "This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better."
  • "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  • "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
  • "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching."
  • "A room temperature IQ."
  • "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
  • "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
  • "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
  • "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
  • "Bright as Alaska in December."
  • "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
  • "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
  • "Fell out of the family tree."
  • "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."
  • "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
  • "He’s so dense, light bends around him."
  • "If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate."
  • "If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."
  • "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change."
  • "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
  • "It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
  • "One neuron short of a synapse."
  • "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
  • "Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes."
  • "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
  • "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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