• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  • Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

  • She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  • Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

  • Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

  • You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

  • Shin: A device for finding furniture.

  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

  • Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

  • I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.

  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

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