- Lord, I apologize… and be with the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.
- “I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!” (sometimes with this line added: “If you don’t think that’s funny you can get the hell outta here, ’cause that’s funny right there…”)
- My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her “Ole Moley”. Then she went down to the church and got saved, now we call her “Holy Moley”. And she married a Mexican feller, now we call her “Guaca-Moley”!
- I don’t play with myself. I was cleaning it once and it went off.
- (on handicapped toilets) I believe the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin’ stools.
- What happened to airplane attendents being sexy? What the hell happened to that? Them girls were so ugly they would make Ray Charles flinch
- This a Song I wrote about my girlfriend she cheated on me with another man its called “I Can’t Get Over You til You Get Off of Him”
- I was madder then a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and trying to holler out Bingo, I tell ya…
- I was living with a girl for eight months, until she found out I was living with her (or “…until she found out I was there…”)
- I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars…
- I was dating a red-head once, no red-hair just a red-head, It was her birthday and I thought it would be cool to light my farts and it caught her hair. I called the Fire Dept. but they said they couldn’t get to us so we had to meet them halfway. I was Lucky I passed a couple of red light or we would’ve lost the whole Kitchen.
- I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons!
- I was more confused than Ray Charles with a “Where’s Waldo” Book
- My sister was getting married, and she’s a big ol’ sumbitch. Her friends were about as fat as she is and she bought them all matching brown dresses they looked like a bunch of UPS trucks parked in the middle of parking lot.
- I was taking a crap once and then my sister walks in says “I gotta get my hairspray” All of sudden she says “Uh smells like crap in here”, What do you think’s coming out of my butt, Twizzlers?
- I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that she said “That’s fake money!” I said “Alright, well them’s fake titties!”
- I was down in Florida once this guy in a car drives up to me and says “Do you want some cocaine?” and said “No Thank You officer”
- (If NASCAR had sponsorships from feminine products) “How’d you get tickets to the Tampon 200?” “Well, we pulled some strings.”
- If it wasn’t for women, seriously… this country’d be full of queers.
- You are harder to understand than a harelip ordering Biggie fries, I tell you. That’s funny. “Can I help you?” (slurred voice) “Uh, Wiggie fifes.” (normal voice)”What the hell are ‘Wiggie fifes’?”
- Remember when [Rosie O’Donnell] had Tom Selleck on her program a while back? She blind-sided Tom Selleck! He’s a good fella, ain’t never hurt nobody, but he’s in the NRA, so she hates that. She was like, “Well, you’re in the NRA. Let me tell you something, Tom: guns kill people!” Do you believe she said that? On the Rosie O’Fatass show! She looks right at him and says, “Guns kill people!” Let me tell you something: husbands that come home early kill people! Alright? The gun was just sitting there! If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil!
- [My brother] got eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently, there ain’t no number eight in the word “pollinate”.
- I wanna do the world’s biggest “Git-R-Done”. So on the count of three… wait a minute. I’m in Houston, so on the count of tres…
- I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me “Soon you’re gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet!” and I’m thinking, “Oh Lord, she’s pregnant”… She ended up leavin’ me for a midget.
- I’m married now, so I don’t date much anymore.
- [My wife] still has that new wife smell to her.
- I do need to lose some weight now, I gotta tell ya. I had a threesome last week, and I was all by myself.
- You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-bys.
- I went jogging last week. I didn’t want to, my car broke down in a crappy neighborhood. I lost eight pounds and my rims.
- Here’s my least favorite four stripper names: Edna, Bertha, Gertrude… Walter.
- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, “Good lord, I can see your house from here and your wife’s cheatin’ on you with another guy!” The other guy says, “Oh, I’ve had it with her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts!” He says, “I can get that in one shot!”
- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, “I have bad news, and worse news.” He says, “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says, “You got 24 hours to live.” He says, “What’s the worse news?” Doctor says, “I forgot to call you yesterday.”
- I was baggin’ my groceries at the grocery store the other day ’cause it was busy, and some old lady comes up and pat me on the head and said, “I think it’s wonderful they hire people like you.” I was like (retarded voice) “THANK YOU!!!” Then I wet myself and ran her over with my cart. (retarded voice; walks odd) “THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!”
- Larry The Cable Guy:
All right, let me try one of these “Bill Engvall Here’s Your Sign ders.”
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it’s his fault]
Jeff Foxworthy: I’m sorry! I did not mean to start this up…
Larry The Cable Guy: No, you knew this! Your next album will go “Aluminum!”
[Larry grabs Bill behind his neck and shakes him for a minute]
Larry The Cable Guy’: My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
Larry The Cable Guy: No. My grandma, just re’nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S’right, but they saved the baby.
Bill Engvall: I don’t think he’s kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow’r feller, to get a card, and some flow’rs.
Jeff Foxworthy: Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy: They had ’em there.
Jeff Foxworthy: I know I’m going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy: Get well soon!
Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flow’r feller, and get her flow’rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, “Ooh, a hundred and four? How’d she die?” How’d she die; she’s a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here’s your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Larry’s Christmas carols
- (singing to the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”) Get a job, you bum bum bum bum / Money don’t grow on trees, you bum bum bum bum.
- (singing to the tune of “Silver Bells”) Blue balls, Blue balls / It’s dollar night at the titty club. / See them dance on my pants / Soon it will be bathroom time.
- (singing to the tune of “O Come All Ye Faithful”) O come, all ye little foreigers / Come and get them green cards / And learn some damn English, and then how to drive.
- (Singing to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”) Donnie the retard / Had an 8 pound waterhead / He was 5’3″ and he said to me / “I like tater tots!”
- (singing to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming To Town”) You better watch out, I think she’s a guy / I’m ain’t quite sure, but somethin’ ain’t right / Janet Reno’s coming to town. (Janet’s name is sometimes replaced with Hillary Clinton)
- (singing to the tune of “Hark, The Herald Angels Sing”) Hark, the harelip angels sing / (slurred) “Glory to the newborn King!”
- (singing the tune of “Silent Night] Silent farts / Deadly farts / All was calm / Not for long
I’m ____ than a…
- I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
- That made me madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin’ a doughnut roll down a hill.
- He was madder than a Keebler elf demoted to fudge-packer.
- Madder than a two-fingered cripple trying to return a text message.
- I was madder than a skinhead watching “The Jeffersons”.
- I’m happier than Jim Nabors with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes.
- I was more frustrated than Ray Charles with a Where’s Waldo? book.
- I was madder than a one-legged waitress workin’ at the IHOP!
- I was madder than a prostitute trying to put a condom on an epileptic.
- I was madder than a one-legged stripper doing a table hop.
- I was madder than a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and trying to holler out “Bingo!”.
- I was happier than Michael Jackson disguised as a floor lamp at a Harry Potter book-signing.
- I was madder than a car-load of queers getting pulled over for doing a 69 in a 55.