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  • On a Sear’s hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
    (Dang, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
  • On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
    (The shoplifter special?)
  • On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (And that would be how???….)
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (But, it’s "just" a suggestion!)
  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
    (Well…duh, a bit late, huh?)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
    (…and you thought????…)
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (But wouldn’t this save me more time?)
  • On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (And…I’m taking this because???….)
  • On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (As opposed to…what?)
  • On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
    (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
  • On Sunsbury’s peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
    (Talk about a news flash!)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
  • On a child’s superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)