"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." — In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" — On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." — On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." — On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." — On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." — On a hand-held massaging device.
"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." — On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." — On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." — On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." — On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." — On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." — On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." — On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." — On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." — On a battery.
"Do not eat toner." — On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." — On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." — On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." — On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." — On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" — On a Domino’s Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" — On a coffee cup.
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." — On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small parts." — On a Frisbee.
"Do not use orally." — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." — On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." — On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." — On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." — In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." — On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." — In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." — On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." — On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." — On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." — On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." — In the manual for a jet ski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." — A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." — On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." — On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." — On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." — On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." — On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." — On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." — On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." — Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." — On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." — On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." — On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." — On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." — On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." — On Boot’s children’s cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." — On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." — On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm – 7:00am." — On a hospital’s outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." — On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." — On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." — On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." — On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." — On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." — On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." — On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." — A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." — From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." — On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Do not eat if seal is missing." — On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
"Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box." — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." — On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before eating." — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." — On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." — On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Safe for use around pets." — On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
"Do not use house paint on face." — In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." — In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." — From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." — From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." — A sign at bus stops everywhere.
"Do not sit under coconut trees." — A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
"These rows reserved for parents with children." — A sign in a church.
"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." — A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
"Malfunction: Too less water." — A notice left on a coffee machine.
"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." — On a form in a clinic.
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." — On a bag of Fritos.
"Fits one head." — On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
"Payment is due by the due date." — On a credit card statement.
"No small children." — On a laundromat triple washer.
"Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." — A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.
"Take care: new non-slip surface." — On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." — One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." — The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
"100% pure yarn." — On a sweater.
"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case. Materials: Covering: 100% Unknown. Stuffing: 100% Unknown." — On a pillow.
"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." — On the packet for a moist towelette.
"Remove the plastic wrapper." — The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." — On a box of pills.
"Open packet. Eat contents." — Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." — Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
"Use like regular soap." — On a bar of Dial soap.
"Instructions: usage known." — Instructions on a can of black pepper.
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." — On a Swann frozen dinner.
"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." — On a bag of cat biscuits.
"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." — In a car manual.
"Please include the proper portion of your bill." — On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ‘on’ position." — Instructions for an espresso kettle.
"Optional modem required." — On a computer software package.