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What Conan O’Brien thinks of your country

The bad news is, there’s a new article about everyone farming opium.
The good news is, you can’t read.

The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.

It took you eight years to beat France.

How does it feel, being Luxembourg’s bitch?

Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.

Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.

The Bahamas
It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.

A thriving centre of trade and culture… until 2000 BC!

If you can hear this, your television isn’t underwater. Congratulations!

There simply isn’t a more beautiful island… to sail by on your way to Jamaica.

Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.

The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.

Get your camera; they’re paving a road!

Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you’ll be as rich as Rwanda.

So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"

Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the government.

Bosnia & Herzegovina
Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.

Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.

Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.

If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it’s chicken smuggling.

So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.

Burkina Faso
In the traditional tribal language, that’s Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."

The bad news is, you’ve got rampant malaria.
The good news is, it doesn’t stop the kids from making those shirts.

All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.

How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn’t listening?

Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie… with a longer life expectancy!

With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!

Cape Verde
Millions visit your island nation… to refuel their planes!

Central African Republic
So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."

Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.

The good news is, it’s finally legal to get a divorce.
The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?

If you’re gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.

You’ll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You’ll stay because you’ve been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.

On a list of the world’s purchasing power, you’re ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?

Democratic Republic of Congo
Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.

Republic of Congo
Without you, who would the elephants trample?

Costa Rica
Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.

Cote D’Ivoire
Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?

Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.

Where "high-tech" means you’ve got a radio on your homemade raft.

Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.

Czech Republic
The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.

Too bad you can’t build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.

Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.

Where the national catchphrase is "I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t mean to interrupt your armed robbery."

Dominican Republic
The perfect place for anyone who’s ever asked them self "Where’d my car go?"

East Timor
It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.

Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.

Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.

El Salvador
Where no résumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."

Equatorial Guinea
Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves… I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*

You only have one TV station, but cheer up – it’s got locust reports on the eights!

Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that’s not an alcoholic.

I can’t do this one, let’s move on.

If you’re visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, ’cause it’s the best way to flee cannibals.

We’re so dumb, we can’t wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.

You’ve had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world’s most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.

You gave us the term "déjà vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you’ve been obnoxious and arrogant before. Déjà vu!"

(Wait a minute, this is France, so I think I can’t do just one.)

Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You’re number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.

You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."

The Gambia
The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We’ve got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."

Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don’t we both dump our crap here?"

The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."

The ‘h’ is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What’s worthwhile about Ghana?"

Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.

When you’re at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.

Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"

Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they’re actually from Peru.

The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.

The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."

You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.

Sure, your next-door neighbor Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don’t forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.

I’m amazed you don’t have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?

A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.

This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.

Just two more years ’til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day ’til you use it on a woman holding a beer.

You know, there’s a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.

Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.

The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."

Of course you’ve got an astronomical murder rate. You’ve had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.

Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.

Thanks to your country’s progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.

It’s a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you’re one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.

South Korea
Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, Smokey flavor.

We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.

If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."

You’ll come for the early Asian ruins. You’ll stay ’cause you’ve been stricken with avian bird flu.

Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.

Are you bummed out ’cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.

Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.

Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.

Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.

You’ll come for the tropical climate. You’ll stay ’cause you’ve been eaten by tiger sharks.

What’s that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!

Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.

Marshall Islands
To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.

Look, there’s an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.

Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.

Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.

The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.
The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.

Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.

Home to eight of the world’s highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.

The Netherlands
Congratulations, you’ve turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.

New Caledonia
Still a world leader in beach erosion.

Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.

Where children come first… in the draft.

Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia… Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!

As in "Oh man, I can’t believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"

Guess what? You’re not worth jack-istan!

How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.
How do you leave Palau? Through a shark’s colon.

Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.

Mi casa es su landfill.

We’d write an insult about Poland, but they’d just send themselves the hate mail.

Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."

The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.

St. Kitts & Nevis
You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there’s almost no one left to die during hurricane season.

Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.

Saudi Arabia
You’ll come for the history, you’ll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.

You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?

Sierra Leone
You fought for the British in World War I, now you’re fighting for your first working toilet.

In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two separate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.

Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there’s plenty of rubble for everyone!

Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you’re not. Hmm, that’s strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!

Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.

We haven’t bombed you yet. Still, I’d hold off on any major construction projects.

Oh wait, you’re not a real country. You’re China’s bitch!

Congratulations, you’re where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.

Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they’re willing to come out of retirement.

You’ve got it all… and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.

Trinidad & Tobago
The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.

Remember that scene in Star Wars when they’re on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren’t actors!

Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.

Why don’t more people give their children Turkmen names? I don’t know, let’s ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.

Turks & Caicos
Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.

Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?

United Arab Emirates
You’re remarkably tolerant on women’s rights: you let them drive a car to their stoning.

United Kingdom
The sun never sets on the United Kingdom, and it never rose on British dentistry.

You’ve got a novel way to fight corruption: you don’t have anything worth stealing!

You have more than a hundred local languages; in other words, over a hundred ways to say "Hey, remember when Survivor was here?"

Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them.

Virgin Islands
Well you wouldn’t be, if you weren’t so damn ugly.

Wallis & Fortuna
The reason for your people’s long lifespan? Not even Death knows where the hell you are!

If you think Yemen is too tough on shoplifters, raise your right stump.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re dirt-poor. You’ve got plenty of dirt!

You’ll come for the country’s pristine natural beauty. You’ll stay because rogue soldiers have chained you to a burned-out jeep.