Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Kids

For all you who do or don’t have kids…

  • Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
  • They have more hair when they are born.
  • Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
  • Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE’S TOUCHING ME!!!!"
  • Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.
  • Dogs don’t wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
  • It doesn’t matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
  • You can cage a dog without going to jail.
  • Dogs don’t "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
  • Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won’t laugh at the special effects.
  • Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
  • It’s OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
  • The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
  • Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why.
  • Dogs don’t roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.
  • Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
  • Dogs don’t jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
  • Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
  • When Dogs don’t listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
  • Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.
  • No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
  • Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litter box. Kids won’t even dump the litter box.
  • When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don’t have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
  • Dogs don’t grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.
  • Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

What you long for…

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It’s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that’s impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let’s row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can’t take any more coconut juice."

"It’s not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned – and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. "

"You know…" She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. "You mean–?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"


The Engineering Approach

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."


If Women Ran the World

  • Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
  • Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
  • Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
  • Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
  • PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  • Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  • Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  • "Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  • Men who designed women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.
  • Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  • Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
  • Men would learn phrases like: I’m sorry, I love you, You’re beautiful, Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I’ll take care of the baby, etc.
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  • Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can’t pretend to be single.
  • For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
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    If Men Really Ruled The World

    (from November 1998 issue of Maxim Magazine)

    • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
    • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time" would pretty much do it.
    • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
    • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
    • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
    • "Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
    • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
    • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
    • Garbage would take itself out.
    • Instead of beer belly, you’d get "beer biceps."
    • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You’re #1!"
    • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
    • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
    • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
    • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
    • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
    • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

    … and more from other emails…

    • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
    • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
    • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
    • "Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
    • It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
    • Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
    • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
    • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
    • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
    • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
    • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.