English idiot sightings

  • My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.  She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’ She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change… Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald’s.
  • We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,  ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’ We haven’t used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
  • I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the ‘DEER CROSSING’ sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don’t Think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’ Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire. 
  • My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She Asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. 
  • I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your Knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’  He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened at Luton Airport
  • The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it’s on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.
  • When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver’s door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door Handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, ‘its open!’  His reply: ‘I know. I already did that side.’ This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

Miserable Facts About Valentine’s Day

  1. In the two week period leading up to Valentine’s Day, American sales of gold jewelry lead to 34 million metric tons of waste.
  2. The vast majority of roses sold for Valentine’s Day in the U.S. are imported from South America, wasting fossil fuels.
  3. Valentine’s Day traces its roots to an ancient pagan holiday called Lupercalia, in which men stripped naked, grabbed whips, and spanked young women in hopes of increasing their fertility.
  4. The Christian martyr St. Valentine was beheaded on February 14 for performing marriages in secret.
  5. Research suggests that 75 percent of suicide attempts are attributable to relationship problems.
  6. 46 percent of Americans will exchange Valentine’s Day candy.
  7. 67 percent of Americans are overweight or obese.
  8. The first Valentine’s Day card was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London. He remained a prisoner of war for the next twenty-four years.
  9. A recent poll found that one in ten young adults admitted to feeling lonely, insecure, depressed, or unwanted on Valentine’s Day. And that’s just the ones that admitted it.
  10. Forty percent of people have negative feelings towards Valentine’s Day.
  11. The famous St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, in which seven Chicago gangsters were gunned down on February 14, 1929, was one of the bloodiest in mob history.
  12. 64 percent of American men do not make Valentine’s Day plans in advance.
  13. Candy hearts taste like crap.
  14. Even if you’re really, really in love right now, you’re still going to die eventually.

Some thing to wonder about

  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why  do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? 
  • Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give  the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  • When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  • The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.