Islam Oppression


The truth

  • Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional…
  • Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  • When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
  • You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions…
  • Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
  • Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Puns for the smart minds

  • The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out  to be an optical Aleutian .
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  • If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
  • A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

You know you’re too fat when…

  • When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step.
  • You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
  • You put mayonnaise on aspirin.
  • Your blood type is Ragu.
  • You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
  • You ran away from home and they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton for your picture.
  • You could sell shade.
  • Your driver’s license says, ‘Picture continued on other side.’
  • You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
  • You dance and it makes the band skip.