NUDITY (don’t assume…just read it!) I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing […]
Eyad SalahI can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I’m really easy to get along with […]
Eyad SalahRelationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled […]
Eyad Salah"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her […]
Eyad SalahCatch phrases Git-R-Done! Lord, I apologize… and be with the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen. “I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!” (sometimes with this line added: “If you don’t think that’s funny you can get the hell outta here, ’cause that’s funny right there…”) Other My sister is […]
Eyad SalahWhen I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from […]
Eyad SalahSYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy […]
Eyad SalahIf you are chocking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat – Use the sink. For high blood-pressure […]
Eyad SalahThere are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. — C.A.R. Hoare Here’s a random collection of personal observations (some well established to the point […]
Eyad SalahThey have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. (Janet Reno) I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image. (Stephen Hawking) If it […]
Eyad SalahThe sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest […]
Eyad SalahA sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the […]
Eyad Salah