Category Archive
Entertainment
Who can turn down a little entertainment, It's always necessary to clear up your mind and turn the other way from life problems. Laugh a little, have some fun
25 min read
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Some words of wisdom by Steven Wright All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? How do you tell when you’re […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
An Online Test to Freak You Out
This is truly bizarre. Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD! Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them … really. Think of a number from 1 to 10.
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Photoshop trolls
Here are some images that have been photoshopped at the request of people wanting to look better than they look in their photo. Request: “I want to look like the son of a powerful politician!” Request: “My friend behind me looks a little dull. Can you make him more dramatic?” Request: “Make me hot shi*t on […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Good old times
I want to go back to old times to when: Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.” Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!” “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.” Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn’t […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Extreme Redneck-ness
You know you Are an extreme redneck when: You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Things to teach your children
Things to teach your children Never shake a man’s hand sitting down. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king. Fetch him beers. In a negotiation, never make the first offer. Never cancel dinner plans […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
License to Drive
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
To remind you how old you are
This is a reminder of how old you are getting (In case you’re forgetting) Windows XP was released more than 10 years ago. It’s also been 10 years since 9/11. The matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 now. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana died 14 years ago. Macaulay Culkin is 30 […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Lateral Thinking
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself. Think like a wizard . . .. man ———— board Answer = man overboard Okay, let’s see if you’ve got the hang of it. stand ———— i Answer = I understand OK . Got the drift ? Let’s try a few now and see how you fare ? […]
Eyad Salah31 min read
Rules Of The Internet
Ever been roaming around on the web and stumbled upon Rule #34 or any other rule? Will… There they are: λ. It’ll be done when it’ll be done. No exceptions. -1. /b/ is not your friend. No exceptions. 0. Negative numbers are a lie. No exceptions. 0.1. /b/ is pointless, you are wasting your life. […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Universal Laws
Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Funny quotes about age
“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- Lucille Ball “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.”- Henry Ford “We don’t stop playing because we grow […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Quotes from Steve Jobs
Some of Steve Jobs funny quotes A lot of companies have chosen to downsize, and maybe that was the right thing for them. We chose a different path. Our belief was that if we kept putting great products in front of customers, they would continue to open their wallets. Apple’s market share is bigger than […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Be frank with your wife
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Everything that I need
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
Too much defrag
I’ve installed windows on my computer a couple of days ago, installed all my software and decided it was time to defrag the windows disk I used Auslogics disk defrag and tried the “Defrag & Optimize” option. Looks like it did it job a little too well
Eyad Salah3 min read
Google Top Hoaxes
Sorted by year 2000: Google MentalPlex: In case you wanted Google to help you look for something you, just think about it and click on the MentalPlex circle. 2002: Google pigeon rank: Google claimed to use large pigeon clusters to compute values of web pages. 2004: Google Copernicus Center jobs: Google placed an ad that […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
The secret behind peanut butter
This goes for all of you peanut butter lovers out there
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Logic exam
Please only answer with “True” and/or “False”. Failure to do so will disqualify your test and/or test your disqualification. Describe the nature of the universe. Sanity. 7+19 = ? 3a. I want you in the pants. True or false? Write a sixty-line sonnet using only the words “My”, “her”, “was”, “should,” “bacon,” and “Jerry Springer.” Why? […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
An exercise for old people
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
Writing an Essay in a Programming Language
This is how a programmer will write an essay using their favorite programming language:
Eyad Salah2 min read
Mothers
Mona Lisa’s Mother: ‘After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?’ Columbus’s Mother: ‘I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written !’ Michelangelo’s’ Mother: ‘ Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Bad Domain Names
Here are some bad domain names: A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.WhorePresents.com Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.ExpertSexChange.com Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Tips for life
Here are some tips for life… A life of happiness and relief. Be polite, people like polite people. People give free stuff to polite people. If you have a default installation of windows XP, Press cntrl-alt-delete twice on login, type in ‘Administrator’ with no password. Boom. You’re in. pay attention to details. Girls are expensive. […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
مين مسلم؟
رجل مسيحي دخل مسجد في مصر و معاه سكينو قال: مين فيكم مسلم ؟محّدش رد عليه إلا واحد شجاع قاله: أنا مسلم اخذه برا المسجد و قاله: عندي ضيوف مسلمين وعازمهم على العشا وعندي خروف عاوزك تدبحه و تسلخه على ا لطريقه الإسلاميهقال المسلم: أنا اعرف أذبح بس شوف حد تاني يسلخدخل المسيحي المسجد و […]
Eyad Salah
3 min read
GED Examination Q&A
The following questions were set in last year’s GED(General Educational Development) examination . These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds). Q. Name the four seasonsA. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drinkA. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
الأردن المعاصر
بدك تموت شهيد؟ يا تمشي على طريق عمان الزرقاء ………….. يا تسافر على طريق العقبة بالليل بدك تموت من الجوع؟ يا تتجوز بنت حلوة غاويه نيو لوك ………… يا تسافر تعمل شوبينغ في لبنان بدك تموت من الحسرة؟ يا تتفرج على جلسات مجلس النواب …… يا تتناقش مع ابنك في القيم والأخلاق بدك تموت من […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
نكت صعايدة
نكت صعايدة واحد بيعيط فى جنازة مراته سألوه: بتحبها؟ قال: لأ … بس سمعت إن البكا بيعذب الميت ——————————— ثلاثة أندال بيتنافسوا مين أندل واحد فيهم لقيوا ست عجوزة ماشيه على عكاز – الأول: خد العكاز منها فوقعت – الثانى: خد العكاز وضربها بيه – الثالث: قعد يضحك سألوه: بتضحك ليه؟ قالهم: أصل الست […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Some One-liners To Kick Start Your Day With A Smile
One-liners are jokes made up of only one or two sentences. Don’t have to be funny, but the below are 🙂 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal! […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
ابليس والعرب
قرر إبليس أن يهجر البلاد العربية فزعل العرب للخبر وراحوا يترجوه وقالو له : أرجوك ماتمشي …. وين بدك تلاقي ناس متلنا كذابين ومنافقين وبدهم يروحوا النار؟؟؟ فقال لهم إبعدوا عني إنتوا مابتستاهلوا !!! الواحد منكم بيجيني شحاد وحافي ومو لاقي ياكل .. أعلمه وأخليه يسرق عشان يعيش عيشة زي الفل .. ويغش مشان يتخرج […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
قصص حكيمة
نعل الملك يحكى أن ملكاً كان يحكم دولة واسعة جداً ..أراد هذا الملك يوما القيام برحلة برية طويلة. وخلال عودته وجد أن أقدامه تورمت بسبب المشي في الطرق الوعرة، فأصدر مرسوماً يقضي بتغطية كل شوارع المدينة بالجلد ولكن احد مستشاريه أشار عليه برأي أفضل وهو عمل قطعة جلد صغيرة تحت قدمي الملك فقط فكانت هذه […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
نهفات طلابنا الأعزاء
إليكم أمثلة لإجابات عجيبة وجدتها أنا شخصياً في إجابات الطلاب وكذلك مما قرأت وسمعت وسمّيته “العجب العجاب في إجابات الطلاب”. فاسمعوا وعوا وإياكم أن تستغربوا.. * طالب سئل في الاختبار عن “السر في إخفاء ليلة القدر”؟ .. فقال : خوفاً من قريش!!! * طالب سئل:أذكر شروط صلح الحديبية ؟ فكان الجواب: ألاّ يتهاوشون مرة أخرى!! […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
حين علق بنا المصعد
قبل أيام كنت صاعداً إلى الطابق السابع في احدى البنايات التجارية، وكان معي في المصعد سيدة (خمسينية) وزوجها وفتاة في أول العشرين. رجلان وامرأتان.. في المصعد، وفجأة انقطع التيار الكهربائي.. كانت ردات الفعل على الشكل التالي السيدة الخمسينية صرخت بخوف: (علّق..؟!) وزوجها من فزعه صار يضرب باب المصعد وينادي: «احنا محشورين» أما الفتاة العشرينية فقد […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
حقائق وخفايا الإنسان
هناك بعض الخفايا والمميزات التي لا يعلمها بعض الناس والتي تكون موجودة في الإنسان نفسه والتي تختلف من شخص إلى آخر أو قد لا تكون موجودة عند البعض. فهناك بعض الحقائق المتعلقة بالإنسان والتي أثبتها العلماء مع مرور الوقت نتيجة التجارب والدراسات الطويلة في هذا المجال ومن هذه الحقائق أن إستمرارية الشخص في التفكير بالأشياء […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Nuggets of Wisdom…
Wisdom ladies and gentlemen is: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Celebrating the “Stupid question day”
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress? Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed? Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say“Hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”? If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Drivers Exam
California supposedly has the best drivers — but there are always exceptions. These are supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders). Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
The truth
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional… Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Puns for the smart minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
You know you’re too fat when…
When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. You put mayonnaise on aspirin. Your blood type is Ragu. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. You ran away from home and they […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Things NOT to Say to a Cop
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! Are You Andy or Barney? I thought you […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Stupidest celebrity quotes
Britney Spears“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”Jessica Simpson“Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘chicken by the sea’.”Tara […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
Funny Quotes To Live By
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
A Fake job title
experienced bra fitter – I bet they had trouble finding candidates for this one. PlayStation Brand Ambassador Eyebrow Threading – I REALLY hope this has something to do with dolls. Administraive/ Secretary – ok, ok, we get it. It’s clear where you need help. Finish Carpenter – for when the Start Carpenter gets tired. Helpdesk […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Signs you’re getting old
Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run–anywhere. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes
Operator! Give me the number for 911! Oh, so they have internet on computers now! Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman. […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
When a guy does something wrong…
When a guy does something wrong…When a girl does something wrong…via
Eyad Salah4 min read
Truths For Mature People
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. There is great need for a […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Funny Ways to Order a Pizza
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.” Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Rules you won’t learn at school
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
A story with a moral
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
What do you want your last words to be?
Call… the… ambalamps. “Hey ya’ll, watch this!” If Im not back in three days, then I guess I wasn’t Jesus. A+++ EPIC LIFE. WOULD LIVE THIS LIFE AGAIN. So long, and thanks for all the fish. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Random thoughts
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. There is great need for a […]
Eyad Salah
3 min read
English idiot sightings
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’ She […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Miserable Facts About Valentine’s Day
In the two week period leading up to Valentine’s Day, American sales of gold jewelry lead to 34 million metric tons of waste. The vast majority of roses sold for Valentine’s Day in the U.S. are imported from South America, wasting fossil fuels. Valentine’s Day traces its roots to an ancient pagan holiday called Lupercalia, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Some thing to wonder about
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Jeepers Creepers! Pick-Up Lines That WORK!
Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want. Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home ith you. Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime? I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and […]
Eyad Salah
3 min read
The Most Expensive Car Crashes Ever
#10. Bugatti EB110 – $500,000 This 1992 $500,000 super-exotic Bugatti EB110 was being driven by a mechanic as part of its annual checkup. He claims there was an oil slick on the road which caused him to lose control and crash into a pole. The owner of the Bugatti is a famous ‘feel good’ guru […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Stuff we learned in 2009
Domestic pigs can quickly learn how mirrors work and use them to find food. Grumpy people think more clearly because negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking. High cholesterol levels in midlife are associated with an increased risk of Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia later in life. Analysis of Greenland ice samples shows […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Questions That Haunt Me
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape orshoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… But it’s only a ‘penny foryour thoughts’? Where’s that […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
New Year Resolutions
2006: I will find a better social site than Orkut.2007: I will find a better social site than Myspace.2008: I will find a better social site than Facebook.2009: I will find a better social site than Twitter.2010: I will find a better social site than Busty Blondes. 2006: I will not become what my mother […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
GM Sucks
GM outsourced labor because they said they couldn’t make money paying American wages. Apparently GM couldn’t make money paying foreign wages either. What’s the common denominator here? Management wasn’t outsourced. The last couple of paragraphs tell the sad story indeed………..GEA Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (GM) decided to have a canoe […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
How Programming Language Fanboys See Each Other
Holiday Fun: How Programming Language Fanboys See Each Others’ Languages.
Eyad Salah1 min read
The economy is so bad…
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?” The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. The economy is so […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
Sunday Sweets: When Geeks Marry
“I’m pretty sure I will never get tired of geeky wedding cakes. Especially when they come in so many great ‘flavors’: Coding Geek: Mac/PC Geek: (Sub’d by Kelly J., baker unknown, originally posted here.) Gamer Geek: (This is CW reader Christine W.’s wedding cake. If you’re wondering, it’s a Tonberry. And if you’re not […]
Eyad Salah
3 min read
20 Top Fun & Motivational Facebook Status Updates!
20 Top Fun & Motivational Facebook Status Updates!: ” Whether Facebook is evil or not is a rather controversial issue which will never result in an utterly black or white solution! Yet, despite that debate, Facebook has an undeniable power to be an educational and motivational tool which can bring smiles and motivation into our […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often
Beware of naughty words. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again… I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I’m really easy to get along with […]
Eyad Salah![Amazon’s suggestion system reveals surprising truth about coders [PIC]](https://www.geeksaresexy.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/am-coder.jpg)
1 min read
We’re too rich! Affluent Germans petition to pay more taxes
We’re too rich! Affluent Germans petition to pay more taxes: “A group of wealthy Germans launches a petition calling on the government to tax them more to fund social and environmental projects.”
Eyad Salah
3 min read
Jordanian Women Who Don’t Work
Jordanian Women Who Don’t Work: “ More and more Jordanian households are starting to depend on the working woman’s income. Clearly, Jordanian women are smarter and get much better grades than men. However there remains a big chunk of Jordanian women who do not work. I like to classify them into certain groups. 1- The […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Weird Test Answers
These are purported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Interdisciplinary Studies Final Exam
Instructions: This is your comprehensive final exam. Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately. COMPUTER SCIENCE: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using that language, write a program that could complete the rest of this examination. Complete the examination manually as a check of your program results. HISTORY: Describe the […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Expressions
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Cubicle Wisdom
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. Rome did not create a great empire by […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Kids
For all you who do or don’t have kids… Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers. They have more hair when they are born. Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave. Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE’S TOUCHING ME!!!!" Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
What you long for…
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The Engineering Approach
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
If Women Ran the World
Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Shopping would be considered an aerobic […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
If Men Really Ruled The World
(from November 1998 issue of Maxim Magazine) When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time" […]
Eyad Salah7 min read
Things Children Say
Public Outcry Ever notice how a 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The Assignment
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Youthful Insight
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Animal Style
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
What is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust?’ Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
6 foot a**hole
While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Stress management
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
8 monkeys
(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.) Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
General Motors HelpLine
General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars the way they buy computers – but imagine if they did… HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!” HELPLINE: “Did […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Actual projections
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." ~~~ Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ~~~ Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Police, law enforcement comedy
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1… #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while." # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
For Those Born Before 1986
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Actual patient charts
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. The patient is tearful and crying […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Simpsons Quotes
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! What’s […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
More funny bumper stickers
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system. I used to have a handle on life, […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Best of Bumper Stickers
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that. Keep honking while I reload. If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy. Bad Cop! No Donut! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better I love cats … they taste […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Learn Spanish
Cheese The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito Replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’ Mushroom When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom. Shoulder My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I Shoulder. Texas My fren […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer
Here’s an easy game to play.Here’s an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Weird News Stories
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head. A company trying to continue its five-year […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The perfect job
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Funny air traffic control stories
-Tower: ‘Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?’ -Pilot: ‘An A340, of course!’ -Tower: ‘Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take off?’ -Tower: ‘Do you have enough fuel or not?’ -Pilot: ‘Yes.’ -Tower: ‘Yes, what?’ -Pilot: ‘Yes, Sir!!!’ -Pilot: ‘Good morning, Bratislava.’ -Tower: ‘Good morning. Please note: This […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Darwin Awards 2008 – Top Acts of Stupidity
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Swearing at Work
Dear Staff It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organization have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Baby talk
It was recently discovered by a group of scientists, a way of decoding Babies’ cries. Based on their research, most baby cries mean one of the following 16 things. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said. Don’t be jealous, but I think I’m in love with the ceiling fan. I know where […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Did you ever stop and wonder…
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why there a light in the fridge and not in the […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Axioms of the New Generation
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Limo Driver
After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo(and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Put downs
Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If idiots could fly, this would be an airport! […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Funny pickup lines
Did we go to different schools together? Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize? What pickup line actually works on you? Do you have any raisins? Well, then how about a date? I’m glad I’m not blind! Can you please scratch my back? My arms are far too muscular for […]
Eyad Salah
7 min read
Things You Only Learn From College
Quarters are like gold. Be creative in the dining hall. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos Make sure your alarm […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Maintaining A Healthy Level of Insanity
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Signs you’re drinking too much coffee
You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there. Your […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Quotes about sex
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) “Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.” Woody Allen “Lord, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet.” St. Augustine “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Bad Days
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. A psychology student in […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Things Computers Can Do in Movies
Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. Movie characters never make typing mistakes. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t have graphical […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Some of the Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic email Replies
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Things you learn from having kids
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash […]
Eyad Salah
10 min read
Warnings
Product Warnings: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." — In the information booklet. "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. "For external use only!" — On a curling iron. "Warning: This product […]
Eyad Salah9 min read
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
These are 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes: I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds! Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! A house […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Don’t Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Rules of Being a Man
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: When a heroic dog dies to save its master. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. After wrecking your boss’s car. When she is using her teeth. Any Man who brings a […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Management Lesson 101
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Funny Army quotes
To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. Murphy’s Law of Combat: "Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder" "They couldn’t hit an elephant at this […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Questions you should ask
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Euro-English
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men
Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too: If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
How Did the Fight Start?
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…. so, I took her to a gas station….. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
What a woman wants in a man
What a woman wants in a man, Original List (age 22): Handsome Charming Financially successful A caring listener Witty In good shape Dresses with style Appreciates finer things Full of thoughtful surprises An imaginative, romantic lover. What a woman wants in a man, Revised List (age 32): Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) Opens […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Well Said
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…. Practice makes perfect….. But nobody’s perfect…… So why practice? […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
A Little Inspiration
What I have learned as I have matured… I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Laws For Women to Live By
Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Instructions
On a Sear’s hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Dang, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The English Language (reruns)
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
Indecision is the key to flexibility. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice […]
Eyad Salah13 min read
What Conan O’Brien thinks of your country
Afghanistan The bad news is, there’s a new article about everyone farming opium. The good news is, you can’t read. Albania The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service. Algeria It took you eight years to beat France. Andorra How does it feel, being Luxembourg’s bitch? Angola Hey, call […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Advice From Children
Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don’t answer him. – Michael, 14 Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9 Never pee on an electric fence. – […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Pilot’s Crib Sheet
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick back – then they get bigger again. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous. It’s always better to be down […]
Eyad Salah33 min read
Confusion says:
Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. One who run in front of car get tired. One who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish Man give wife grand piano, wise Man give wife upright organ. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
‘Driving in Ireland’ Stories
Wexford Garda Traffic cops had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many. Then they discovered the problem – a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read ‘SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The cops also found that the little guy had an accomplice who was further […]
Eyad Salah
4 min read
Actual Answering Machine Messages
"A" is for academics, "B" is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Help Desk Stories
Customer: “Uhh…I need help unpacking my new PC.” Tech Support: “What exactly is the problem?” Customer: “I can’t open the box.” Tech Support: “Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.” Customer: “Uhhhh…ok, thanks….” Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Home Depot Scam
A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
42 phrases a lexophile would love
wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. To write […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Actual Bathroom Graffiti
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. (Women’s restroom – Dick’s Last Resort: Dallas, Texas) At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. (Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea: Tucson, Arizona) Beauty is only a light switch away. (Perkins Library – Duke University: Durham, […]
Eyad Salah
1 min read
23 awesome license plates for computer geeks
This guy googled his own car Good, Old fashioned networking But others prefer wireless Could he be an Apple fan? Fresh start Leet speak hacker pride Hope this car isn’t open source too Someone is into graphics The definition of white Geek Away From Keyboard The plate every system admin dreams about Please don’t shutdown […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Flight Announcements
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane." Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
How to write good
Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English: Avoid alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.) Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. Contractions aren’t necessary. […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
46 Things that Girls Should Know By Now.. But Don’t
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that […]
Eyad Salah9 min read
Top 50 Bushisms and Dumb Bush Quotes
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here." —at the President’s Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002 "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001 "You […]
Eyad Salah11 min read
Kids
A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Beware of Prince Charles
Year 1981 Prince Charles got married. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe Australia lost the Ashes tournament Pope died. Year 2005 Prince Charles got married Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.! Australia lost the Ashes tournament. Pope died. IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.
Eyad Salah2 min read
25 things you should have learned by the time you have reached middle age
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. Artificial intelligence is no match […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Life is about saying the right stuff
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sees his clothing in […]
Eyad Salah22 min read
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I got an ant farm… them fellas didn’t grow shit! I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don’t go see Dr. Acula. I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper… but it’s the bullshit replica, cause dude didn’t even get his degree. One […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The Brilliance of Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." – U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
So You Think You Had A Bad Day
Just in case you think you’ve had a bad day, consider how is could have been much, much worse …. => CURL UP AND DIE I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" => […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
What Do Real Programmers Do?
Real programmers don’t write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. Real programmers don’t write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
What code DOESN’T do in real life (that it does in the movies)
I understand that Hollywood needs to dress things up to make them more entertaining, but in the case of programmers, code, and hackers they’ve done more than dress things up – they’ve morphed a little stuffed teddy bear into a cybernetic polar bear covered in Christmas lights and phosphorescent hieroglyphics with a fog machine pumping […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Top 15 pickup lines
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it? Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world! Fat Penguin. (she says what?) hey just had to say something that would break the ice If i flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head? I noticed you noticing me, […]
Eyad Salah
14 min read
Murphy’s computers laws
Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. The value […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Weird Laws
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.". In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. In Bahrain, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Things I Have Learned from Children
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3 year old child’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Things my Mother taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE- "If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION – "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:- "If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Ex 2:16-21) Purchase a piece […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
21 Laws of Computer Programming
As any experienced computer programmer knows, there are unwritten laws that govern software development. However there are no penalties for breaking these laws; rather, there is often a reward. Following are 21 Laws of Computer Programming: Any given program, once deployed, is already obsolete. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Interesting Driving School Exam Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Australian Tourists
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The (sometimes brilliant) answers are apparently the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. Q: (UK) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Funny quotes
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. –Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. –Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. –Billy […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Qantas Maintenance Reports
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Words to live by…
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. It’s always darkest before dawn. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Actual quotes from Federal employee-performance evaluations
"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be." "Works well when under […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
The Best Geek Quotes
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d Microsoft: "You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips." There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t. My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they’re like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Life Reflections by George Carlin
You have to love George Carlin for his great words of wisdom. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I’m in shape. Round is a shape. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
Why we like the British
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Things to do while watching Lord of the Rings
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait…where the hell is Harry Potter?" Block the entrance to the theatre while screaming, "YOU…..SHALL….NOT….. PASS!" Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring." Point and laugh whenever someone dies. Ask everyone around you if they think […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
50 “Other” Facts of Life…
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Men’s Rules for Men
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari When […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Three women
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Axioms
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Several dozen of the stupidest things ever said
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." –Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Twenty-one Reasons Why English Is Hard to Learn
The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there was no […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Disorder in the court
These excerpts from court transcripts are purported tobe true. You be the judge! The following are actual statements made during courtcases:From a defendant representing himself…Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.Defendant: I should have shot […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Some Funny Stories
NUDITY (don’t assume…just read it!) I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
40 things you’d love to say out loud at work
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I’m really easy to get along with […]
Eyad Salah10 min read
Men vs. Women
Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
A Boy’s Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her […]
Eyad Salah9 min read
Larry the Cable Guy
Catch phrases Git-R-Done! Lord, I apologize… and be with the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen. “I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!” (sometimes with this line added: “If you don’t think that’s funny you can get the hell outta here, ’cause that’s funny right there…”) Other My sister is […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Sensible Observations
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Beer troubleshooting 101
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Amazing simple home remedies
If you are chocking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat – Use the sink. For high blood-pressure […]
Eyad Salah10 min read
Quotes for programmers
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. (Janet Reno) I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image. (Stephen Hawking) If it […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Useless facts ! Weird Information
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest […]
Eyad Salah8 min read
Signs
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Dog diary vs. Cat diary
Dog’s diary 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm – Played […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________ 2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK ___________________________________________________ 5. […]
Eyad Salah6 min read
Top 10 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes Of All Time
#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Men vs. Women
NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. ———- EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies
Here’s a list of things you wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for movies: It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Flash cursor games
http://www.project-euh.com/cursors/?link=ok Ok, they are not games. But would be great pranks to pull on a computer newbi. I’m not a flash developer but I think they’re not that easy to make
Eyad Salah1 min read
The Top 20 Oxymorons
Here are pairs of words that should not be said together. . .yet tend to be said more often than not. Act Natural Genuine Imitation Good Grief Same Difference Almost Exactly Sanitary Landfill Alone Together Silent Scream Living Dead Small Crowd New Classic Sweet Sorrow “Now, Then” Passive Aggressive Taped Live Clearly Misunderstood Peace Force […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Cakes and Ale
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Lawyer Jokes
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ——————————————————————————– > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ——————————————————————————– > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And in what ways […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Kiss Defined
Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing. Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Dear Abby
The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer: Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP. Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP. Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY. Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET. Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
The Goodtimes Email Virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
The Evolution of a Programmer
High School/Jr.High 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END First year in College program Hello(input, output) begin writeln(‘Hello World’) end. Senior year in College (defun hello (print (cons ‘Hello (list ‘World)))) New professional #include void main(void) { char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; int i; for(i = 0; i
Eyad Salah4 min read
The 2007 Darwin Awards
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger […]
Eyad Salah23 min read
Way Too Many Questions…
Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus? Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round? What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Don’t you find it worrying that doctors […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
A clock for math whizzes
Math enthusiasts who don’t want to move totally into the digital realm might appreciate this analog clock. Each number is expressed as a calculation involving three instances of the number 9. For example, 5 o’clock is the square root of nine (3), factorial (3x2x1 = 6), minus 9/9 (6-1 = 5). The trickiest time is […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
The Wit of Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies … ‘Make the woman happy’ ….. Do something she likes and you get points…. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. ……You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Restroom Poetry
Found in restrooms around the US: The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. * Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS!
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper) Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Racial airways
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. “What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant. “Can’t you see?” she said, “You’ve sat me next to […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Funny police quotes
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” “If you run, you’ll only go to jail […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Do You Know Who I Am?
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Logic and the English language
Let’s face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Some Useful Condescending Phrases
Some useful phrases to use as an Evil Overlord as given by Steve Meredith. These humorous cuts were originally listed as useful phrases to use around work but they probably only work well if you are a Evil Overlord(TM). Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Newspaper headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Haiku Error Messages
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life’s work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again The code […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Top 13 Ways Hell Is Better Than Your Job
Your coffee stays hot all day Never have to look very far to find the legal department In Hell, you know who drank your Coke in the fridge – Satan 30% fewer “Dilbert” cartoons in the break room In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy You get to spend more time with […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Courtroom Testimony
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Little Johnny joke
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
A Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.“What are you doing?” she asked.“Hunting flies,” He responded.“Oh, killing any?” She asked.“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
Eyad Salah5 min read
The top 100 reasons it’s great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don’t […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Why you should never question a drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk,a carton of eggs,a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce,a 2 lb. can of coffee anda 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
McDonalds Application
This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida – and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were […]
Eyad Salah7 min read
Top Idiots
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Who am I sleeping with
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Lipstick In School
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
For those who take life too seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set A day without sunshine is, like, night On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Why Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels On a Septic Tank Truck sign: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” At a Proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit please back in.” On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Hamburger Restaurant
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Psychology coach
The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Shoe Repair
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Sports Commentator Bloopers
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure they would like to take back: Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.” Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Language (and Other) Questions
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Why is it called “rush hour” when your car barely moves? If a 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If it’s a circular drive, how do you get out? How do […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Top Ten Signs of Job Burn-Out
You’re so tired, you now answer the phone with just: “Hell.” Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!!”. Your garbage can is your “in” box. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care. You […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
The Five Toughest Questions For Men
What are you thinking about? Do you love me? Do I look fat? Do you think she is prettier than me? What would you do if I died? Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth),every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.As a public service, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Corporate America Today
You know you work for corporate America today if: You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note. When someone […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
English Kills
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.The Italians […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Human Viruses
Care to scan yourself for viruses online?? Try Totl.net. it’s free, simple and all true
Eyad Salah42 min read
In facts
More Monopoly money is printed yearly than real money throughout the world. Penguins are not found in the North Pole People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide. A dentist invented the Electric Chair. Rudolf the Red-nosed reindeer was actually created as a promotional figure for Montgommery Wards department […]
Eyad Salah8 min read
Actual Signs That We Have Found
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Questions from kids to god
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?Jane Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Dear God, It rained for […]
Eyad Salah
2 min read
Get to know your universe
This wonderful Kaleidoscope of Colors wasn’t created in a lab, or even on this planet. A Black hole spilled those colors, why and how I don’t know. But if you are interested in space, black-holes big things outside our small world you must consider visiting NASA’s website. You can even register for a personalized home […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
ابتسم أنت في الأردن
كل واحد بتقابله بحكيلك انه اله ابن عم واصل بالحكومه كل مصعد كهربائي اله رائحه سامه كل واحد بتشوفه بشتكي معظم البنات شبه بعض معظم البنات بلبسوا زي بعض كل واحد بتشوفو بحكيلك انو ضيع فرصة شراء ارض فى عبدون قبل عشر سنين بخمسين دينار الدونم !! كل واحد بتشوفه بحكيلك انه جده اول واحد […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Customized Display picture or avatar
I’ve been asked by more than 10 people how to make a customized avatar, or a display picture A friend of mine (Meso) told me about this website ImageChef. You can choose the picture you want and type selective text and the picture will come out just like you ordered Try it it’s really fun…. […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
معجم الكلمات الأردنية
المصطلح المعنى المصدر هلا عقالي هلا حبيبي إربد سنحك ما ابرد وجهك الكرك لويش لماذا إربد لويه لماذا الكرك انتشب اخرس البادية انطز اقعد ساكت السلط اطلع من بين الخبيزة كذبتك انكشفت مخيمات اللاجئين زنون (Xenon) روعة عمّان خاروف معاه مصاري وبعزم الشباب عمّان عتعيت سرسري مخيمات اللاجئين رخيص ببيع صاحبو عشان بنت احدى الجامعات […]
Eyad Salah7 min read
كولكشن نكت
سألو واحد شو رايك بالمرأه الشرقيه قال قبل الزواج انثى وبعد الزواج انسى إشي صغير بمشي عالارض ولونه أسود و بيبدأ بحرف الخاء شو هو؟ خوف الله صرصور سألوا طفيلي ليش مالك شنب قال طالع للوالدة هنود عاملين فيلم عن حرب العراق بالآخر الفيلم طلع بوش اخو صدام سبعه طفايلة بمزحو بسكاكين مات اربعه قال […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when…
You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Company Policy
Effective from January 2007 Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
School Excuses
The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Sports Commentator Bloopers
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure they would like to take back: 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.” 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have ? Customer: A white one… ==== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ? Customer: Yes, but it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note … Customer: No … wait a minute… […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Telemarketer Repellant
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
A mind game
Let’s have some fun …. it’s an amazing test. Read carefully and follow the steps and tell me what you find, it’s amazing. At the end of this post, you are asked a question. Answer it immediately. Don’t stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind. This is […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
مزايا صبايا جامعات الأردن
أنا وماما زي الصاحبات ، دايماً بحكيلها كل إشي ماما بتعرف عنك كل إشي شغل عرط و بس طبع كلهم شقر وعينيهم لينسيز ملونة يخزي العين تقول هاي رجعتهم من السويد بتسألها بتحكيلك شو لينسيز؟هدول عيوني الحئيئيين…. كلهم ببعتولك المسج التالي: اتصل فيي ما معي رصيد ، و عندي امتحان مش آدره أروح أشتري بطائة… […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex.Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
A missing question
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
New Definitions
TRAFFIC LIGHT apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches DIVORCE postgraduate in School of Love PIONEER early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods PEOPLE some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened SWIMMING POOL a mob of people […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Thoughts On Aging
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
The First Annual Duh Award
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Corporate America at Its Best
“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”(Marketing executive, Citrix […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Corporate America at Its Best 2
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
2 Tough Questions
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the following question before reading the response to this one. It’s time to elect a new world leader, […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Doctors’ Comments On Patient Charts
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old […]
Eyad Salah5 min read
World Wide Signs
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we […]
Eyad Salah45 min read
True Facts
John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer. In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer. Jim Gordon, drummer of Derek and the Dominos (“Layla”), killed his mother with a claw hammer, then went back to finish a set with the band. One of Hewlett Packard’s first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher. Eric Clapton […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
“Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Rules for women
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us griping about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Jesus was a woman
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: He called everyone Brother. He liked Gospel. He couldn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: He went into His Fathers business. He lived at home until he was 33. He was sure his Mother was a […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Sixth grade quotes
Question: What is one horsepower?Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind. When people run around and […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Things Not to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that….uh….that uh….thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever […]
Eyad Salah4 min read
Computer Genesis
In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Mad Ramblings and Ponderments
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.” Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
PC Jargon
ALPHA Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.” BETA Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.” COMPUTER Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
LIFE’S OBSERVATIONS:
Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.” I have my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. If flying is so safe, why do […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Some good one
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Very Smart Women
A sample of some really smart women: I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Attainable Affirmations
The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these “attainable affirmations,” and your work week is sure to fly by! As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume […]
Eyad Salah1 min read
Windows is not a virus…or is it?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:1. They replicate quickly. … Okay, Windows does that.2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. … Okay, Windows does that.3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. … Okay, Windows does that too.4. Viruses are […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Job descriptions
If you’re looking for a job in one of the below fields, this is what you’re real job descriptions are An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who […]
Eyad Salah2 min read
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein wasn’t just a smart physicist. Looks like he had some smart quotes as well: “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” “The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.” “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything […]
Eyad Salah3 min read
Top 6 Smartass Answers
SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied. SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she […]
Eyad Salah