Job descriptions

If you're looking for a job in one of the below fields, this is what you're real job descriptions are An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor. An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.