Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

Some words of wisdom by Steven Wright

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Continue reading “Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright”

Photoshop trolls

Here are some images that have been photoshopped at the request of people wanting to look better than they  look in their photo.

Request: “I want to look like the son of a powerful politician!”
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Request: “My friend behind me looks a little dull. Can you make him more dramatic?”
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Request: “Make me hot shi*t on the net, please!”
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Request: “I want to look more dangerous.”
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Continue reading “Photoshop trolls”

Good old times

I want to go back to old times to when:
  • Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
  • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
  • “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
  • Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
  • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
  • It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best friends.”
  • Being old referred to anyone over 20.
  • The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.
  • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
  • It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
  • It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event
  • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
  • Nobody was prettier than Mom.
  • Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
  • It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
  • Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
  • Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
  • Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
  • No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
  • “Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
  • Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
  • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
  • War was a card game.
  • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
  • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
  • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
  • Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
  • Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

License to Drive

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at The same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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