The Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies … ‘Make the woman happy’ ….. Do something she likes and you get points…. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. ……You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system……….

Simple Duties:

  • You make the bed……………………………………………+1
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……….0
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………………-1
  • You leave the toilet seat up…………………………………-5
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty……………….0
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……..-1
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
  • You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
  • But return with beer ……………………………………….-5
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night ……………………..0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………….0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………….+5
  • You pummel it with a six iron……………………………….+10
  • It’s her father……………………………………………-10

Social Engagements:

  • You stay by her side the entire party……………………..0
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy………………………………….-2
    Named Tiffany………………………………………….-4
  • Tiffany is a dancer…………………………………….-6
  • Tiffany has implants……………………………………-8

Her Birthday:

  • You take her out to dinner…………………………….0
  • You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
  • Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………..-2
  • And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………………..-3
  • It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

  • Go out with a pal …………………………………..-5
  • And the pal is happily married ……………………….-4
  • Or frighteningly single ……………………………..-7
  • And he drives a Mustang……………………………..-10
  • With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …………-15

A Night Out:

  • You take her to a movie…………………………………..+2
  • You take her to a movie she likes………………………….+4
  • You take her to a movie you hate…………………………..+6
  • You take her to a movie you like…………………………..-2
  • It’s called Death Cop 3…………………………………..-3
  • Which features cyborgs having sex………………………….-9
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15

Your Physique:

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………….-15
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…………………………………….-30
  • You say ‘I don’t give a damn because you have one too’………-800

The Big Question:

  • She asks, ‘Do I look fat?’ …………………………………-5
  • You hesitate in responding………………………………..-100
  • You reply, ‘Where?’………………………………………-350

Communication:

  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression …………………………..0
  • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10
  • She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep……………-20

Restroom Poetry

Found in restrooms around the US:

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
* Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice.
* Smoky Joe’s, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it’s not, ‘How high are you?’ it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’
* Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. * Bentley’s House of Coffee and
Tea, Tucson, Arizona

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, New York

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
* Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if He had invested?
* Men’s restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix,AZ.

You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, Kentucky

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS!

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand,what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC – IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Lunch and Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Racial airways

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“Can’t you see?” she said, “You’ve sat me next to a kafir. I can’t possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!”

“Please calm down, Madam.” the stewardess replied. “The flight is very full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class”.

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

“Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class”.

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: “It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.”

With that, she turned to the black man and said: “So if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…”

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane

Funny police quotes

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

  • “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
  • “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”
  • “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
  • “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
  • “Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO.”
  • “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven ”
  • “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
  • “Just how big were those two beers?
  • “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center).”
  • “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail.”
  • “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”

Do You Know Who I Am?

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “(Expletive) you.”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.