Australian Tourists

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The (sometimes brilliant) answers are apparently the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: (UK) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: (USA) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: (Sweden) I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: (Sweden) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: (UK) Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: (USA) Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: (USA) Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: (UK) Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: (USA) Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man- y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: (UK) Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: (Germany) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: (USA) Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: (USA) I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: (France) Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: (USA) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: (Italy) Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: (France) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: (USA) I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: (USA) Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Funny quotes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!"
Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it.
Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Qantas Maintenance Reports

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last …

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Words to live by…

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Actual quotes from Federal employee-performance evaluations

  • "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
  • "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  • "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  • "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be."
  • "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  • "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
  • "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  • "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  • "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  • "This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better."
  • "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  • "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
  • "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching."
  • "A room temperature IQ."
  • "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
  • "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
  • "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
  • "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
  • "Bright as Alaska in December."
  • "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
  • "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
  • "Fell out of the family tree."
  • "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."
  • "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
  • "He’s so dense, light bends around him."
  • "If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate."
  • "If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."
  • "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change."
  • "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
  • "It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
  • "One neuron short of a synapse."
  • "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
  • "Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes."
  • "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
  • "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The Best Geek Quotes

  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • Microsoft: "You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips."
  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
  • My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they’re like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I’ll trade this but not my charizard.
  • If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
  • I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
  • The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

Life Reflections by George Carlin

You have to love George Carlin for his great words of wisdom.

  • Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  • I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  • I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  • Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  • Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
  • I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them
  • One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
  • They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
  • Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  • A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.
  • Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.