Darwin Awards 2008 – Top Acts of Stupidity

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

2. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

4. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

6. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

7. Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape

And the winner is…

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time, it worked!

Swearing at Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organization have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

  • Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
    Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?
  • Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
    Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch
  • Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
    Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
  • Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
    Instead Of: Fuck off asshole
  • Try Saying: Really?
    Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole
  • Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
    Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
  • Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
    Instead Of: Not my fucking problem.
  • Try Saying: That’s interesting.
    Instead Of: What the fuck?
  • Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
    Instead Of: No fucking chance mate.
  • Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
    Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
  • Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
    Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking ass.
  • Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
    Instead Of: Oi, fuck face.
  • Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
    Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.

Baby talk

It was recently discovered by a group of scientists, a way of decoding Babies’ cries. Based on their research, most baby cries mean one of the following 16 things.

  • I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
  • Don’t be jealous, but I think I’m in love with the ceiling fan.
  • I know where the remote control is, but it’ll cost you.
  • To you, it’s just an empty egg carton; to me it’s PlayStation 2.
  • Actually, I don’t mind sitting in a bathtub that I’ve peed in.
  • Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That’s what teething feels like.
  • Two words I’d rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
  • There’s no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
  • I’ve told you five times what cow says. If you can’t remember, I’m not telling you again.
  • There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
  • I’m not just wildly throwing my food. I’m exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
  • If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
  • Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
  • If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?
  • Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?
  • What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

Did you ever stop and wonder…

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • Why you don’t ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
  • Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why you have to click on "Start" to stop ‘Windows’?
  • Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why there isn’t mouse flavored cat food?
  • Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
  • Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed – if they are going to look up there anyway?
  • Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
  • Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
  • Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
  • Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
  • Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  • Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum?"
  • Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • What do you call male ballerinas?
  • If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
  • That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?
  • Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
  • Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
  • How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?
  • How come "phonetically" is spelt with a "ph"?
  • Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
  • Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
  • Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
  • How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
  • What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
  • Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
  • If you send someone ‘Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?
  • Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  • Why don’t women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  • How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

Axioms of the New Generation

  • Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  • My reality check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Be careful. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
  • The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
  • Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
  • I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
  • Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
  • What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it!
  • How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!

Limo Driver

After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo(and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today."
"I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you,"
says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport,
the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!"
pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it’s God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it’s God?"
Cop: "He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!