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Men’s Rules for Men

  • Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
  • Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  • It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
    • After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
    • When your date is using her teeth
  • Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
  • If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
  • The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
  • Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  • No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.).
  • When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
  • You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
  • It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless super model… and it’s free.
  • Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  • If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothing.
  • Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
  • You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
  • If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
  • Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    • Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    • C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
    • Another set and we can hit the showers!
    • Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?
  • Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  • Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
  • When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.