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Things You Only Learn From College

  • Quarters are like gold.
  • Be creative in the dining hall.
  • Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
  • You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
  • Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
  • New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos
  • Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
  • Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
  • Showers become less important.
  • Sleep becomes more important.
  • Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
  • Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry (”Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).
  • You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
  • 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
  • Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
  • It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
  • If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.
  • You begin to nap again (also not new).
  • Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
  • Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
  • Labs used to be fun.
  • T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
  • Squirt guns equal stress relief.
  • E-mail becomes your second language.
  • Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
  • Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.
  • You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  • You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  • Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
  • Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.
  • See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it’s actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
  • Road trip whenever possible.
  • Pick up all new lingo.
  • Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
  • Don’t burn bridges, especially if he’s good in Biology.
  • Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
  • The health service attendants are there because they couldn’t make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
  • Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
  • Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
  • Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
  • College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.
  • It was never this bad when you got sick.
  • Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
  • Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
  • You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…it’s not!
  • You’ll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
  • Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
  • Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
  • Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
  • You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
  • Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
  • Any game can be made into a drinking game.
  • Disney movies are more than just classics.
  • Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
  • You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
  • Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.
  • Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
  • Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
  • ATMs are the devil’s advocate.
  • Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
  • You almost forget how to drive.
  • You’ll drink anything if it’s free..
  • People still cheat, it’s just more technologically advanced.
  • You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
  • The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
  • Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurrence.
  • You never realized how cool you can be.
  • TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
  • You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
  • Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
  • You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
  • You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
  • You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.
  • You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…
  • You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
  • People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
  • You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
  • You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
  • Procrastination becomes an art.
  • Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
  • The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
  • Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
  • With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.
  • Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
  • Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
  • You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
  • Classes: the later the better.
  • The cute girls actually talk to you now.
  • Care packages make it all worthwhile.
  • The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.
  • Always wear your safety goggles, they’re not kidding.
  • You just don’t learn last names.
  • Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
  • That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
  • Card games never lasted for hours before.
  • Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
  • Boys will dance in college.
  • People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
  • You are never alone.
  • You find out what beer sludge is.
  • It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
  • You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
  • People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
  • You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
  • All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
  • You never realized how quiet your house was.
  • Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
  • Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
  • You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
  • Your life will never be the same again.

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